Boy: "Will you go out with me?" Girl: "I like Girls..."

When I was five I was married to a boy named Tony.

He had gorgerous, long blonde hair and would hold a baby doll if I thrust it into his hands... He was the man of my dreams- At the easily pleasing age of five.

His mother and mine were good friends and they lived just down the street from us... So Tony and I would get together everyday and play "house" and drink juice from boxes and all that five-year-old junk.

We were in love.

And then I started kindergarten and saw Cruz....

He was a striking hispanic six-year-old and, for our young age, a badass. I would gush to my mother about him... And I was in love.

But unlike Tony... Cruz never noticed me.

But I got over that with no more than a small shrug of the shoulders. It was easy to move on back then.

At one point I even knew a little boy that lived down the street from me who gave me a ring because he had a crush on me... I still have it (is that weird?).

But today... If a boy I didn't really know gave me a ring I would worry about it for weeks! I would wonder if I should give it back to him or keep it or hide it... I mean what do you do in that situation? But back then it was easy... I saw this small trinket and I was infatuated with it... There were no questions... I was keeping that ring NO MATTER WHAT... It was mine. He had given it to me. My mom could, officially, not do a thing about it because it was a gift.

But none of those experiences match the one I had in first grade. I got married to a boy I met in my first grade class.

The proposal went a bit like this:

Boy: "Will you marry me?"

Me: "Um... Okay!"

Then we held hands for a week.

I still talk to him. But when we stopped holding hands I thought nothing of it.

Again, it was easy to move on.

Our "divorce" was NOTHING in comparrison to divorces adults go through. And I am generally unhappy that all divorces can't be like the one I had in first grade... Easy for both parties.

So today, friends,

(Can I call you friends? Or is that stepping over the bounds... Can I call you my friend if I push you on the swing for five minutes? No? Okay...)

I have decided to talk to you about dating and how incredibly difficult it is...

First off... Meeting people.

Everyone is different. No two people are alike (We are like snowflakes...) and that is what makes it so hard to find a mate.

For example.

Jimmy likes Sally... And Sally likes Jimmy... But Jimmy was saved by Jesus Christ and Sally (frankly) worships the devil.

So these two love birds can either deal with this or realize that they were not made for each other...

Ways to deal with this:

Jimmy drops his faith and accepts Sally

Or

Sally drops her faith and accepts Jimmy's

Or

They move on.

But moving on is harder than it sounds.

What if that person was "The one?"

What if I am the one at fault?

Should I just accept them?

So I guess I am saying... Finding the right person is the hardest thing to do in this day and age... There are so many different people and so many different qualities.

When you do, finally, meet "the one" they will have, at least, one quality you do not like. I promise. But the question is... Can you still love that person when you find that one thing out?

Hopefully... But can you be 100% sure?

Nah, you can't be until you reach that moment.

(Then hopefully you'll think back to this blog.)

Next, Dating.

Once you find someone you generally like you have to actually approach them and ask them out.

This could go a few different ways...

Movie Reality:

Boy: "Will you... Go out with me?"

Girl: "I was wondering how long it would take you to ask me out!"

[They then proceed to Makeout]

Reality Show Reality:

Boy: "Will you like... Go out with me?"

Girl: "Well... Like sure!"

[They then proceed to makeout and stumble up the stairs.]

Reality:

Boy: "Will you go out with me?"

Girl: "No."

Or

Boy: "Will you go out with me?"

Girl: "Yes."

Or

Boy: "Will you go out with me?"

Girl: "I like girls..."

Sooooooooooooooo this is a very hard process.

For the most part this is delayed because one party is unsure of the circumstance. And I know you may hate me... But go for it.

Ask...

If they say no.... I know it will be hard but... At least you didn't spend "forever" wondering: What if...?

And other person... Maybe once, say yes to someone you wouldn't really expect liking. Try it. That person could be the person of your dreams and you just don't know it.

Being in a Relationship.

Seriously... Girls and guys that like to makeout (or "eat face" as I call it) in front of your friends... YOU HAVE NO SOUL.

Half of your friends probably do not have a significant other so you're rubbing it in their face.

They understand that you're in love.

And they are happy.

But they do not deserve that treatment so knock it the fuck off.

Seriously.

A kitten dies every time you do that.

Think about THAT next time you decide to munch on your boyfriend's tongue in the hallway.

Moving on...

Being in a relationship is super fun. But do not, under any circumstances, waste the cute moments.

Wait to say "I love you"

Wait to kiss

Wait to hit a new base.

Seriously... It will feel more special when you reach that moment if you wait and grow together.

Trust me, kay?

Third?... Sex.

Oh god... Why did I write that?

Um...

Sex is the thing when...

When two people love each other very much....

The man put his...

Into her...

Oh god I can't do this...

Breaking up...

Okay. So I have never gone through an awful thing like this.

But all I can say is...

Talk.

Don't hold it all in.

Your friends are not evil succubusses (suckubus'? Succuubus? Succubai?... Ah fuck it...) that feed off gossip. The really do love you and want to help. So TALK TO THEM.

You don't need to suffer.

Also, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Another fish in the sea.

Another... You know.... "The one"....

So please... Don't hurt too long.

It hurts us to see you hurt so much.

Just remember... We love you.

And... Kittens didn't really die when you madeout with your boyfriend in the hall.

(Well... I don't know. They may... I've never taken a poll or anything... Just kidding... But really...)

Moving on...

I guess what this whole post was about was finding "the one" and how hard that is to do and maintain....

It isn't like the tea parties I had with Tony... Or the ring I was given....

Boy's can't be chosen as "perfect" just because they will play "house" with you...

Girl's can't just be chosen because they play four square with the boys.

It's harder now.

And it doesn't get much easier.

High School made it easy for all of us. Locking us in a building together and forcing us to pick from the mass. Real life will force us to pick from a much bigger mass... Which is harder.

But... You haven't known all the boys in the world since they quoted stupid movies in seventh grade...

So... Keep your head up...

You'll find him... Or her...

Or even someone better than "The one"

And you will love their flaws and watch them sleep and cry with them and hold them whenever you can.

Well... It's late... And Kim's delerious.

So.

Good. Night.

-Berlyn.

You Need to LOVE ME.

I'm a very strange person.

I know... You're all shocked.

You're all thinking: "Strange? Berlyn? I would have never thought..."

Yes, yes. It is shocking.

For those of you who are saying this without being sarcastic, I only have one thing to say... The reason you never would have guessed I was strange is because I keep it to myself in every situation except situations of extreme danger.

(For those of you saying this sarcastically... You've probably known me since, or before, middle school when sugar, alone, woke me up... Now it takes five shots of expresso and a rockstar...)

How am I strange you ask?

Well for starters... Since I started high school my list of phobias has nearly quadrupled (quadruppled? quadroopled? quad... Ah fuck it.). Which, with most people this would be worrisome... But these phobias are just an embarassment.

I have, my entire life, had these phobias:

*Arachnophobia (Fear of spiders)

*Kakorrhaphiophobia (Fear of Failure)

*Autophobia (A fear of solitude. Or abandoment. Mostly, for me it means abandonment but since the fifth grade (when I watched an episode of justice league where The Flash, my favorite character, got frozen in time and nearly lost his mind...) I have been afraid of both.)

*Agoraphopia/claustrophobia (I have this intense fear of closets... I feel like things will come out of them and drag me into their midst. Luckily... There is one RIGHT BESIDE MY BED...)

*Alchluophobia (or Nyctophobia) (Fear of the Dark.)

*Dentophobia (Fear of the Dentist)- I don't like other people's hands in my mouth. OR the taste that is left in your mouth afterwards.

Since beginning highschool these phobias have been added to the list:

*Algophobia (Fear of Pain)- Not too strange right? I just flinch every time someone raises a hand for no reason... Seriously no reason. Oh! Maybe it was the emotional beating that came with high school... Like the fruit cake that always comes with Christmas.

*Apeirophobia (Fear of infinity)- This one really is understandable. The thought that we cannot measure the universe is daunting. But astronomy has done this to me:

*Cleithrophobia (Fear of space)- I had a panic attack three days ago because we watched a video that took you from a picnic all the way out to space where Earth can't even be seen any more... I kept thinking... What if we never find Earth again? Holy shit... Holy shit... What then? WHAT THEN?!... Which leads to:

*Dementophobia (Fear of becoming insane)

... Moving on....

*Aphenphosmphobia (Fear of being touched)- Which isn't too intense.

* Fear of Yellow Lights- You know... The push-over sibling of red and green... Red says STOP and green says GO, but Yellow says: "Hey, could you slow down? I might turn red... You really hould consider... No? Okay...". This fear is because of the car acciendent.

*Asthenophobia (Fear of fainting)- Cause I fainted after giving blood.

(Now before you all go wondering if my next fear is going to be needles... YOU'RE WRONG. I was stupid and decided I didn't need breakfast the morning of giving blood. Because you do not need food if you are losing two pints of something that RUNS YOUR BODY.Whatever... I saved three lives I'm fine, I passed out but at least I'm not going to hell.)

*Asymmetriphobia (Fear of Asymmetrical Objects)- Mostly has to do with faces... I'm sorry but if one of your eyes is two times the size of the other I will probably not talk to you... Which leads to:

*Fear of imperfection (OCD)

*Fear of blow jobs- I honestly think it is ridiculous that they have a phobia name for kidney diesease (Albumineruophobia) but not for the fear of blow jobs... They are terrifying and incredibly awkward...

*And last. A Fear of the Future- Kim summed this up quite well: "I've always had it set in my mind, finish high school to get to college... Now what?"

Seriously? Now what? That's been my goal too and now... I've reached the end of that goal. I need to make a new one but I have no idea what to make as my goal next...

"Finish college and become awesome..."

... Sure. Only one problem. What happens after becoming awesome? Death? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

* Fear of reaching full potential...

I guess I should move on.

My new phobias are not the only explination for my strangeness.

Luckily, Kim shares this next trait with me.

The need to have people love us.

Yes. I have this thing where if someone likes me and expresses this fondness... I instantly think: "They like me... THEY MUST LOVE ME!"

Maybe I'm insane, you could call me that. But any cousellor would stand up and slap you across the face while screaming: "Give her a break! She comes from a broken family!"

That's a good arguement... But I honestly don't think that is the real reason. I think I just want a general group of people I can cuddle with whenever I please.

That sounds selfish... But at least I am not locking them in a small cage in the basement like I did with my boyfriend Hahahahahahaaha. Just kidding.. Not really.

Anyways.

This desire has gotten me in trouble a few times. Like for instance: I love Kim. If I could fall on my head and be conviced I was a lesbian I would marry Kim. She is like my twin. And I would never have to give a blow job. But....

There would always be:

Fear of Oral Sex (Or as my mum would say "Going down on a girl")

Whatever. I would marry Kim now... Even though I'm straight... And have a boyfriend. But he's in the basement in a cage so...

He. Won't. Mind.

Haha. I'll stop with the boyfriend-locked-in-a-cage-in-the-basement "jokes".

People. I am strange because the people I hang out with the most, allow me to be this way. This isn't a bad thing. I mean, these are the very people that encourage my writing, talk about movies with me, and laugh when I say completly random things.

Like calling BBQ sauce blood.

Or marks on the floor vampire bites.

Or that Ts are going extinict and one day it will only be extinic-

Or other things.

Even the people that read most of my shit in the school newspaper are encouraging my strangeness.

When I say, "My favorite president is Nixon."

People ask, "Tell me more..."

When I say, "I want a braclett that says 'What would Hitler do?'"

People say, "I would probably get one of those too."

When I where a dress with a zipper over the boobs...

People ask, "Is that a real zipper?"

And I respond, "I'm not sure, why don't you give it a go?"

Well people. That is all for me.

I may just go snuggle with someone who loves me and try to ignore my most recent fear:

Boringblogscophobia- (Fear that no one is listening to this).

Night.

-Berlyn...