Saturday, July 10, 2010

Pretty people make ugly babies... Kim and Berlyn make.... AWESOME BABIES!

Oh wow.

I guess I didn't think how creepy that thing would be starring at me while I write this blog at 1:25 am... Wait 1:26 am... Whatever.

Anyways... I should explain.

The week before last, while writing my previous blog, I came up with a suposedly
(supposedly? suposedly? Suposedly? ah fuck it...) genius idea...

"What was this idea?"
You ask spritely.

Well this idea was:
What would a baby made by Kimberlyn look like?
The thought following this idea was:
There has got to be a baby generator on the internet.

And there was.
Because there are people out there that MUST also think:
I wonder what my baby would look like if I had unprotected sex with another human being.

Then again...
They probably wonder this about famous actors like Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp, or Heath Ledger.
While I think about what a baby made by Kim and I would look like.

What can I say?
Kim you are my Johnny Depp/Brad Pitt/Heath Ledger fantasy.


I found two sites that actually worked.
One cost $9.95 monthly subscription...
The one I did was...
Because I'm cheap.

The site came up with the horrifying picture above.
I call it KimBerlyn(ish)Jr.
I think it's a girl.

Anyways. I guess what I am trying to do with this wonderful little 1:34 in the morning ancedote is remind you all that though the internet is far and vast in it's pure awesomeness... It does lie every once in a while.
My proof?

If you have already over looked the photo...
Let me give you an electronic slap across the face.
That baby is NOT what mine and Kim's baby would look like...
Our baby would be, quiet possibly, the cutest thing to walk the earth... Well... At first it wouldn't do much, and then it would sit, and then it would crawl, and then it would walk. It's a process.

I mean think about it.

Kim has beautiful eyes. I have pretty awesome hair. And we both have great skin, nice bodies, and big boobs (sometimes that's good and sometime's that's bad), and we both need glasses (Kim probably needs them more than me) and glasses are cute... So it's a good quality.
Though there would be defects...
Like paranoyia (PLEASE ignore my spelling tonight. I understand that it is especially awful tonight), anxiety, numerous sleep disorders, attatchment problems, stress, countless phobias (I don't know about you guys but I add new phobias to my list every week... This week: A phobia of things from the mouth in water... Soaking... Like my cousin's retainer... In a glass of water... In my room...), social disorders, relationship problems, awkwardness, and other problems (I don't know what category this would go under but... I seriously just cleaned the bathroom because I tried to move the rug and it was STUCK TO THE FLOOR... I was terrified so I cleaned the entire bathroom at like 1:00 in the morning.... It bothers me that I don't know the exact time.).


Despite all of these problems this child would be a cute, loveably awkward child that adores cute people in the mall, puppies on the street, writing for all kinds of things, butterflies, sunshines, aceing tests, watching crimes shows, watching reality television, looking for pictures of cute people on the internet, looking at funny things on the internet, reading books, staying up late on waking up early, and even just sitting around with a good friend.

Seriously. Best. Child. Ever.

Though they would probably never leave Kim's or my sight....
They would be too scared.

(My transitions are amazing as usual)

THAT is the child that that website should have produced. It lied.
Sometimes the internet does that.
It disappoints.
It destroys...
It breaks hearts.

But I've forgiven it.
Because I know the truth.

Just like I know that Lady Gaga is secretly not a man, but might be, just kidding, but really, come on guys have you seen her body, but maybe....

I know that a baby made by the combined DNA of Kim and myself would be nothing more than pure awesome...

I should find a picture of that baby.

(cause of Kim's genes.)

Since Kimberyn(ish)Jr. stole the good name.
I've decided to name these two Fred... And Ricky...

So the Boy (the cool dude on the left) would be Ricky... And the girl (Awwww on the right) would be Fred.

That way, combined, they would be FredRicky :)

I know.
I. Am. A. Genius.

I kind of have a feeling Ricky will be more like me... And Fred would be more like Kim. Ricky looks like he would like acting like a badass, misspelling words, staying up late, hitting on girls, and acting british (Well... He would be like half british)... While Fred looks like she would enjoy burying herself in a nice book, with a coffee in hand, thinking about friends, harry potter, vicotoria's secret, cute girls in the mall, and waking up early in the morning to conquer something.
They would probably both share a love of fluffy puppies.
And blogs.

They are the two most adorable things.
And one day they will be...
Well... Kind... Of....

I'm going to transition now...
(I like that... More blunt...)
(Oh. Dear. I'm talking to myself.)

Kimmy dearest... I want to propose an idea to you....

I know we can't both have children together but... When we do have children can we introduce them as brothers and sisters? So that when I live in California and you live in Washington or somewhere else and they want to see one another they will approach us and ask:

"Mom, can we go to auntie Berlyns/Kims to see my brothers and sisters soon?"

And when they introduce them to their friends it will go like this:

"This is my sister Fred."


"This is my brother Ricky."

Though... The names will probably change... I sure hope the idea and the love doesn't.

It's just a thought.

I hope you all enjoyed my late-night rantings.
I quite enjoyed them...
Oh, did you Berlyn?
Why, yes. Yes I did.
What was that noise...
I think it came from the closet.
... No... It's just the air conditioning....
Or was it?

.... I'm going to sleep.

-Berlyn (2:15 am)

P.S. Kim... Check our inbox for We got invited to something. I would text you but it's late.
(.... 2:16 am)


  1. Very funny :) Those websites really don't work... They create satanic-looking children half the time!