I've always felt like I was different. Not in a super hero way. Or in a more-important-than-everyone-else way... But in a way that most people would see as "not ideal".
Over my life time I have struggled through many different things. Now I have an entire list of phobias. A list. You see? Not ideal.
No kid closes their eyes and wishes: I want to be afraid of outerspace when I get older.... If your kid is wishing for that... You should take them to a doctor. They probably need someone to talk to.
By "not ideal" I don't mean bad, I just mean, 99% of people would not jump at the oppertunity to trade me all of my phobias for their one phobia of heights. Or of death. Or of spiders. Or of losing a loved one.
To me, one phobia sounds like a walk in the park. I remember when my biggest fear was spiders. Those were the good days. Cake.
However, everyone goes through a point in their lives where everything gets complicated. We change, we realize... We wake up.
Last night I had the pleasure of seeing a senior thesis film titled: "Incest! The musical!" Needless to say, it is one of the best film-student films I have ever seen. It exceeded my already high expectations. The music was great, the acting was great, the cinematography was great, everything. And it was incredibly inspiring.
Sure. At first, it doesn't sound like it.
But after thinking about it non-stop since I saw it last night I have to say that it made me think a lot about myself.
No. I'm not in love with my brother.
But I do have "not ideal" qualities and I would definitly list "in love with my twin sister/brother" as a "not ideal" quality. Wouldn't you?
The thing about Incest! The Musical is that the characters, by the end, don't care what everyone thinks. They're in love and they'll be together, no matter what it takes.
But that's hard. It's hard not to care what other people think. Because no one wants to be shunned from society.
No child closes their eyes and wishes for... Well you know the drill.
But it's not us, not the people with "not ideal" qualities, that should be conforming for others. It should be the people that think they are free of "not ideal" qualities. No body is free of them. Therefore nobody should think they are strange.
But still it's hard.
I've started to talk about mine in a more conversational manner. Meaning that if someone wants me to do something and I don't want to because I'm freaked out. I'll tell them I don't want to do it.
Example: "Berlyn we're telling ghost storys in Jon and Austins room and it's totally dark in here"
"... Guys I'm tired and afraid of the dark... I don't think this is a good idea."
I'm not trying to say this is how you should go about it. I'm not trying to coach anyone on anything. But if I have learned anything from Incest! it's that being yourself is the most important thing. It doesn't matter what everyone thinks. You love your twin, so screw everyone else, you'll love your twin.
So... If I'm afraid of space, the dark, spiders, abandonment, messiness... Or if I think I have a million different diseases when I really just have allergies... Or if I feel like just giving up sometimes... That's because that's me. That's who I am. I have other qualities that are more likeable... Like I'm funny, talkative, friendly, artistic, a hard worker, smart, ambitious. But those are mixed about other qualities.
Which is why I like who I am. I'm not perfect. I'm me. No one can be me.
P.S. I'm sorry if this was all over the place... They typically are. Just another quality of mine.
P.P.S. Follow Incest! The Musical on Facebook :) You can also buy their music on Itunes! Dooo it :) It's so good. And, you never know, it may be coming to a town near you :)