Saturday, May 28, 2011

Awkward Foods Part 2 :)

A year ago today I wrote my very first blog. On Awkward Foods. So, in celebration of our first year as Awkward bloggers... I am reprising the Awkward Foods blog.

As we grow older, people grow more and more mature. But the sad thing is... Penis jokes, well... Let it be known that even on the day of the apocalypse, people will still be making penis jokes. So what do you do when you are enjoying your midnight snack and your dorm mate Annoying Albert leans over the top bunk and remarks: Be a sweatheart and swallow.

I am only offering ways to defend yourself when you are so rudely insulted. Take it or I will shove this cucumber down your throat! Kidding!... But really...

First of all, let me address the elephant in the room...

Not only does this green, watery tasting vegetable have the actual word "cum" in it's name but it does have the unfortunate quality of being shaped like a penis.

Long or short, thick or thin, curved or not (too much information?) in every situation Stupid-Bitch Sally will turn around from her desk and raise her eyebrows at you before remarking: I didn't know you liked it in the mouth!

So, if you every find yourself in the upsetting world that is I-don't-have-a-knife-but-I-do-have-a-cucumber-and-I-am-starving-land here are a few recommendations.
Now, be warned... The first one is a little unrealistic:

1. Don't eat the cucumber... Wait till you can cut it up into little non-phalic peices. Then eat to your heart's content.

2. Narrow your eyes at Stupid-Bitch Sally and respond with: "Well... I'm sure everyone knows you like it in the mouth".

3. Take a bite from your cucumber. Savor the nice watery taste... The crunch noise it makes... Then get up, walk over to Stupid-Bitch Sally and round house kick her in the face.

Next up:

2. Churros
Sneaky little basterds.

These guys hide out in fairs, carnivals, malls, and amusement parks... Just waiting to be bought and brought slowly up to your watering, excited lips and evoke Shut-the-hell-up Harold to say: Goin exotic I see!

Yes. Churros are delicious... Therefore undeniable.


I mean, they're elephant ears that don't require sitting.
(Fair foods refference? No? Okay...)

So what can you do?

1. Don't buy the churro.
... Nope. Impossible. Next option.

2. Turn to STHU Harold and respond with: "Well, at least I'm goin somewhere, Harold."

3. Enjoy your churro, all of it. Then kick Harold in the balls and sprinkle the remaining delicious sugar In.His.Eyes.

3. Carrots
I want to do what bunnies do with you... Eat carrots... What were you all thinking? Sickos.

Now, eating healthy is one of the most important things you can do while you are in college.... Besides graduating...

So when you return from a long hour at the grocery store, depraved from the junk food you survived on your freshman year, and craving that nice, bright-orange, crunchy carrot on the top of your grocery sack you shouldn't have to worry about Whorey Wendy coming out of the closet in her skank-suit and laughing: "Girl you need to get some real penis!"

All you want to do is enjoy your diet foods. Lose that freshman fifteen without the hassle. But now this I've-been-skinny-ever-since-my-days-as-a-world-champion-food-eater bitch is staring you down.

1. Give up on the diet. Who diet anymore anyways? I mean... Lap-band exists now...

2. Roll your eyes and respond with: "Girl your self-esteem issues are going to get you pregnant".

3. Grab a twinkie and shove that carrot down her throat.

4. Ice Cream
Oh ice cream... I grew up with you... We were the best of friends... On warm days you'd cool me down... On bad days you cheered me up... When I couldn't have you... I wept... I loved you ice cream! And what did I get in return?!

... Left behind.

Ice cream never grows up... It stays the same age... Beckoning everyone to fall back into childhood again.
Now, I know ice cream is not shaped like a penis... But the licking and sucking puts it in this catagory...
So, I know we're in college... And ice cream is expensive and we are poor. But on that very slim chance that we can obtain ice cream we don't want to have to worry about or supposedly best friend Off-Bounds Oliver to turn and say: You enjoying that cream over there?

So what can you do?
I suggest:

1. Buy a smoothie instead... It's healthier and you won't look like a baby sucking on a binky.

2. Respond with: "Are you enjoying your over-sized car that you think covers up the fact you have a small penis?"

3. Enjoy your ice cream and then stab offbounds Oliver in the heart with the cone.
What... You haven't killed someone with an ice cream cone?... Wuss.

5. Pickles
Just so you know... I know they are just pickled cucumbers. But they go by a different name, so different, special little spot on the list.

Pickles can be found anywhere. On your burger, your sandwhich, ice cream... You know, you can get them in a bag now? Or you can just eat pickles all by themselves. That sour but indulging taste is just too much to resist.... You go to take a bite and Annoying Albert leans around and winks: "Don't forget to swallow aweatheart"

What an ass. Can he not leave you alone for more than a minute? First destroys your dorm room with a party and now this.
So what can you do?

1. Put the pickle down, it's not worth it.

2. Throw the pickle at him and respond with: "Don't forget to warn the girls about your herpes"

3. Enjoy your pickle. Then rip off his head and pickle it...
Too extreme?

Well, that's the list guys. I hope it will help whenever you have the urge to enjoy one of these unfortunate phalic foods and are faced with an asshole friend, dorm mate, or anything else.

But you know what? I hope, more than anything, that this list makes you smile... Makes you look back on all the blogs Kimmy and I have written over the past year. It's been a fun, stressful ride and I hope that in a year, I will be writing another list. And the year after that. Another. Because, you know what? I love Kimmy, and this blog keeps me close and tied to her....

And.... Because you can never run out of phalic foods.


P.S. Happy anniversary Awkward Blog :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

"I need the smell of summer; I need its noises in my ear."

So lately there have been a few really sunny and summer-like days scattered throughout. I cannot express how happy and excited I am. Summer is absolutely my favorite season. I'm also a huge fan of winter and of autumn (just not spring, ick), but summer by far takes the cake.

[I don't know what everybody does for summer, but I usually spend a few weeks in California and then spend the rest of it in Lake Tapps. I love both of them during the summer.]
Just like the lyrics in a song by my favorite band, Brand New, says, "I need the smell of summer; I need its noises in my ear." For those of you who need a reminder of why summer is so magnificent, let me explain, at least from my standpoint, how it is amazing in every way.

Sounds of summer:
Lawn mowers and sprinklers. The distant sound of boats and jetskis. Little kids laughing as they play in the sun. Good music blasting in the car with the windows down. Fireworks on Independence Day. I hate that my dogs get scared, but something about the loud BOOMs are quite welcomed by me one day a year. Basketballs bouncing on the suddenly occupied outdoor courts. Water splashing.

Tastes of summer:
FRUIT. My goodness, I love it when my mom cuts open a cantaloupe and gives me half. Also, popsicles, Diet Coke, crackers with hummus, sandwiches, pizza with friends, veggie trays, bbqs (I'll take a Boca burger, thank you.), iced coffee drinks, and flavored iced teas.

Feelings (physical, going with the senses) of summer:
The wind blowing in your hair when the car window is down. Jumping in the water when it's hot outside. Toes buried in the warm sand. The air-conditioning in the library. The way the page of a book feels when I turn it or the way the paper of my notebook feels when it's warm as I write on it. Lips of your summer love pressing against yours (trying to relate to those more appealing than me, haha). The way your feet feel as they smash against the concrete while playing Fugitive. The warmth of the sun on you when you're lying outside.

Smells of summer:
Freshly mowed lawns. Bbqs (Yes, I am a vegetarian, but they still smell good to me.), bonfires at nighttime, fully bloomed flowers. Sunscreen. Book smell! I read so many books during the summer, and I'm a sucker for the way books smell (unless it's disgusting for some reason). Various lotions and body sprays. And there's this smell I just cannot explain... nighttime at summer. Summer nights just smell perfect to me.

Sights of summer:
The sun setting while you're still outside. Summer movies at the theatres (final Harry Potter movie, anyone?). Tanned skin. Attractive people wearing less clothing (heh, sorry, had to mention it). The way California cities look at night and how perfect Huntington Beach looks to me during the day. People walking their dogs. Little children chasing each other without a care in the world. I look around and just smile because everything I see just makes me so happy.

Also, there is no school during summer. So I decided to get a head start and just throw all rules relating to grammar out the window in this post. No school also means less stress. YAY.

This is a short post, but I hope I got you excited for the upcoming fun. Have more to add? Comment below!


P.S. I've included a picture of me reading outside from last summer :) I love it!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Fine Art 101

I'm trying to write a report, so I'll be brief...

My report is for my art history class, for some reason we have to write a three page essay or show a power point and give our teacher a one pag essay on anything having to do with art.... Soooo I chose the little painter Marla Olmstead (look her up, she's quite remarkable) she's eleven now but she got famous when she was four-years-old for her "picasso-like" paintings (abstract art).

I chose Marla because I had found this documentry on her on netflix... For some reason I HAD to watch it and soon had it in my possesion. I knew I wanted to watch it but I just was not sure if it was going to be any good (If you want to watch it, it is called My Kid Could Paint That. You can find it on Netflix). I got my friend to watch it with me and we were both very pleased with the documentry. So, I figured, since my teacher said I could, I would just bring in the disc with a powerpoint and hand her a one page essay, then I won't have anymore homework for the class.
(Marla and her painting, Zane Dancing)

Anyways. The whole thing about Marla is not that she can paint amazing art... The thing is: Is she really painting the art at all?
Rumor has it that her dad painted most of her work and sells it at the art shows. They just play it off like it's Marla's.

I don't know who to believe, I feel like I lean more towards Marla (she's cute, so it's hard to say YOU CAN'T PAINT).

The other question is: What do we consider "good art", what are the standards? Why can we look at Sunday Afternoon by Seurat and say "That's great art!" But also look at Mondiran and Pollock's works and say the same thing?

(With the straight lines) Mondian's Red, Blue, and Yellow, (With the people) Seurat's Sunday Afternoon, and (With the paint splatter) Pollock's Mural on Indian Red Ground

All of these paintings are very different, some you may like more than the others... But... Strangly, they're all considered "good art", in fact, you may even see them in the same museum.

So. What's good art?

To me it's something that changes the playing feild. Something ground breaking. Something that takes your breath away.
Sure, not all "good art" does all of these things. But in reality, you only need one of the three. Mondrian's work certainly does not take my breath away, but it did change the playing feild. He helped change art, he helped create a new era.

So good art is only defined by the reaction it receives and on how it effects art, for better or for worse.

Now, I'm not saying I love all art and I'm not saying that Marla's work is comparable to Pollock's (though many people do that and I'm sure Pollock would slap a hoe if he heard)... I mean, I hate... HATE Picasso's work. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Picasso's The Dance --------------------------------->

I would never have one of his painting's on my wall. They're weird. I don't like them. I feel like a child could do the work he does. But what puts Picasso above children?
He's actually a very skilled artist.

Picasso's Old Guitarist ------------------------------>

Tell me one child that can paint that.

This goes for almost all the artists in the text books. They all knew how to do proper art, but the decided to do something different. And though at first they didn't recieve any respect... In the end... They became heros.

This goes for art work you see today as well (because all too often you here people only talking about old art as "good art" and none of the newer art...). For example, the elusive "Banksy's" street art.

Each of Banksy's pieces are not only beautiful but meaningful as well. Each holds a certian message. Each, if you were passing it on the street, would make you stop and think...
Sure, these are not hand painted, and sure, it doesn't take him a gazillion years to paint them... But that doesn't matter, Banksy has, at least, changed street art for the better. More and more you see beautiful peices plastered to the side of ugly brick buildings. Meaningful pieces meant to unite society.
Banksy's work is "great art" and should be given the same respect as Picasso, or Seurat, or Mandrian... Though almost none of them would give two shits about Banksy's are or even eachother's art (artist's are very conseaded in that sense).
(There is also a documentry on Banksy. I encourage you to watch it. It is called Exit Through the Gift Shop, it was nominated for an oscar and is on Netflix instant play.)

So... I guess now you are all wondering if I do think Marla does her own work and if I do think her art is "great art". Well... I will tell you (then I will leave because it's seven and I have stuff to do).

I do believe that Marla paints most of her pictures.
I grew up with children, and people, people change when they are in front of a camera. My sisters, who are cute all the time, suddeny become obnoxious and annoying when a camera is turned on. So it makes sense that Marla would not paint her best pictures when she knows there is a camera watching her.
(60 minutes "hid" a camera and thinks they can prove she's not a painter... But they hid it in the basement of all places and I'm sure Marla knew it was there).
And I say most because the art critics are right, some do look out of place, with complimentry colors and tiny tiny lines. So with some, I'm sure her dad helped, but with most I think she just did what she fucking wanted... Which is also what Picasso and Pollock and Seurat and Mondrian did.

Finally, I do believe that Marla's work is "good art". If you close your eyes and pretend that there isn't a controversy and pretend that parents aren't liars... And believe that a little girl can creat something so beautiful... Then yes. It is good art. And even if her dad is painting some of them... Who cares? They're beautiful.
I think the art is "good art" because it did change art. It raised this question. It stopped people in their tracks, got them thinking... Took their breath's away. And just down right baffled everyone.

When your art baffles someone, takes away their voice, and interacts with their mind... You should know that you have made good art.
The first time I saw a Banksy piece, my reaction was just this:

- Berlyn

Saturday, May 7, 2011

"If you can sit happy with embarrassment, there's not much else that can really get to ya."

So as I was sitting down to get some work done, three of my hallmates yelled my name and asked me to join them in making a music video. Out of curiosity, I wandered to Ashley's room and asked what they were talking about. Upon entering the room I heard "My Chicky" by t.a.T.u and was automatically unnerved. Uhh... No way am I going to be in a "music video" for that song... I'll make a fool out of myself.

This is a common thought for me. I often don't do things because I don't want to embarrass myself or look like an idiot. But then I thought about it. I wouldn't think they were stupid for doing the music video, so why not just join in on the fun for once?

I'll admit the four of us did look absolutely ridiculous, but oh. my. goodness. SO MUCH FUN. We all put on an insane amount of makeup and wrapped scarves on our heads (We wanted to dress-up... and using scarves was the first thing that came to mind.) to prepare for the video. We got pretty into it, really... We practiced the choreography for the first part for a good twenty minutes. Then we decided to improvise the rest. (Basically how I live my life. Plan longer than necessary at first and then say "the Hell with it!" and go with the flow.)

I think I needed to let loose like that. I know I've written about taking risks, but this is different. This is based on a different kind of fear. In my mind, it's like there's a giant microscope on me, inspecting every little flaw and mistake. Aware as I am that this is not true, it's hard to shake the feeling. I watch people have fun and be silly and unless I am EXTREMELY comfortable around that person (five people fit this category for me, and that's including my brother and mother) I very rarely allow myself to let loose like that. It's just too terrifying.

I don't really know where this fear of making a fool out of myself stems from. Nothing really happened (or at least not that I'm aware of) that traumatized me because of embarrassment. I've just always been so scared. That's a huge reason of why I have such a hard time meeting people. By drawing any sort of attention to myself, I'm opening up the door to judgement. It's not really a realistic way to live, but... It is how it is. I should try to change it. And hey, maybe I am. I DID make a dance music video with my friends. Improvement?

There was something I did six years ago, however, that was also out of character for a girl who's so hesitant to make a fool out of herself... I remember running the indoor mile in seventh grade with my best friend Jaden and discussing how much we wanted to watch the talent show tryouts the next day. The school did not, however, allow students to watch the tryouts unless they were trying out themselves. Talentless, we didn't know what to do. Then we decided that we should just go up the stage, play an upbeat song, and just dance around like idiots. We were certain we could not make it into the talent show, but hey, we'd be able to watch the tryouts! But as we continued planning, a better idea came to us... Why not make it a comedy act? We'd probably still not make it, but it was worth a try, right? We called ourselves Peggy and Penelope and pretended we had a dance workout video. Then we danced. Like idiots. To "All The Small Things" by Blink-182. And we made it.

Ridiculous! But we had SO much fun. I just remember how surprised people were that I was up there. Quiet, shy, I-only-care-about-school Kim was in the talent show with Jaden, letting loose and being... weird. The best thing was how surprised my mom was. But in that surprise, there was also something that seemed like pride. She bought me a milkshake afterward because she was so excited that I did something like that.

So tonight I did not get a milkshake for putting myself out there, and I was not on stage in front of a large amount of people, but I'm kind of proud of myself. Yeah, that may seem silly to anyone else, but I don't really care. I let loose and I feel happy about it. It's an improvement for me. Fear of feeling foolish is not something I need to cloud my life with. I feel like I've traveled back to seventh grade - back to the night I made my mother excited for me. And I think I deserve a milkshake for that.


P.S. Sorry for my absence as of lately... I've been dealing with some stuff. All good now! Much thanks to my non-biological twin Berlyn for understanding :)