As we grow older, people grow more and more mature. But the sad thing is... Penis jokes, well... Let it be known that even on the day of the apocalypse, people will still be making penis jokes. So what do you do when you are enjoying your midnight snack and your dorm mate Annoying Albert leans over the top bunk and remarks: Be a sweatheart and swallow.
I am only offering ways to defend yourself when you are so rudely insulted. Take it or I will shove this cucumber down your throat! Kidding!... But really...
First of all, let me address the elephant in the room...
Not only does this green, watery tasting vegetable have the actual word "cum" in it's name but it does have the unfortunate quality of being shaped like a penis.
Long or short, thick or thin, curved or not (too much information?) in every situation Stupid-Bitch Sally will turn around from her desk and raise her eyebrows at you before remarking: I didn't know you liked it in the mouth!
So, if you every find yourself in the upsetting world that is I-don't-have-a-knife-but-I-do-have-a-cucumber-and-I-am-starving-land here are a few recommendations.
Now, be warned... The first one is a little unrealistic:
1. Don't eat the cucumber... Wait till you can cut it up into little non-phalic peices. Then eat to your heart's content.
2. Narrow your eyes at Stupid-Bitch Sally and respond with: "Well... I'm sure everyone knows you like it in the mouth".
3. Take a bite from your cucumber. Savor the nice watery taste... The crunch noise it makes... Then get up, walk over to Stupid-Bitch Sally and round house kick her in the face.
Sneaky little basterds.
These guys hide out in fairs, carnivals, malls, and amusement parks... Just waiting to be bought and brought slowly up to your watering, excited lips and evoke Shut-the-hell-up Harold to say: Goin exotic I see!
Yes. Churros are delicious... Therefore undeniable.
I mean, they're elephant ears that don't require sitting.
(Fair foods refference? No? Okay...)
So what can you do?
1. Don't buy the churro.
... Nope. Impossible. Next option.
2. Turn to STHU Harold and respond with: "Well, at least I'm goin somewhere, Harold."
3. Enjoy your churro, all of it. Then kick Harold in the balls and sprinkle the remaining delicious sugar In.His.Eyes.
I want to do what bunnies do with you... Eat carrots... What were you all thinking? Sickos.
Now, eating healthy is one of the most important things you can do while you are in college.... Besides graduating...
So when you return from a long hour at the grocery store, depraved from the junk food you survived on your freshman year, and craving that nice, bright-orange, crunchy carrot on the top of your grocery sack you shouldn't have to worry about Whorey Wendy coming out of the closet in her skank-suit and laughing: "Girl you need to get some real penis!"
All you want to do is enjoy your diet foods. Lose that freshman fifteen without the hassle. But now this I've-been-skinny-ever-since-my-days-as-a-world-champion-food-eater bitch is staring you down.
1. Give up on the diet. Who diet anymore anyways? I mean... Lap-band exists now...
2. Roll your eyes and respond with: "Girl your self-esteem issues are going to get you pregnant".
3. Grab a twinkie and shove that carrot down her throat.
4. Ice Cream
Oh ice cream... I grew up with you... We were the best of friends... On warm days you'd cool me down... On bad days you cheered me up... When I couldn't have you... I wept... I loved you ice cream! And what did I get in return?!
... Left behind.
Ice cream never grows up... It stays the same age... Beckoning everyone to fall back into childhood again.
Now, I know ice cream is not shaped like a penis... But the licking and sucking puts it in this catagory...
So, I know we're in college... And ice cream is expensive and we are poor. But on that very slim chance that we can obtain ice cream we don't want to have to worry about or supposedly best friend Off-Bounds Oliver to turn and say: You enjoying that cream over there?
So what can you do?
1. Buy a smoothie instead... It's healthier and you won't look like a baby sucking on a binky.
2. Respond with: "Are you enjoying your over-sized car that you think covers up the fact you have a small penis?"
3. Enjoy your ice cream and then stab offbounds Oliver in the heart with the cone.
What... You haven't killed someone with an ice cream cone?... Wuss.
Just so you know... I know they are just pickled cucumbers. But they go by a different name, so different, special little spot on the list.
Pickles can be found anywhere. On your burger, your sandwhich, ice cream... You know, you can get them in a bag now? Or you can just eat pickles all by themselves. That sour but indulging taste is just too much to resist.... You go to take a bite and Annoying Albert leans around and winks: "Don't forget to swallow aweatheart"
What an ass. Can he not leave you alone for more than a minute? First destroys your dorm room with a party and now this.
So what can you do?
1. Put the pickle down, it's not worth it.
2. Throw the pickle at him and respond with: "Don't forget to warn the girls about your herpes"
3. Enjoy your pickle. Then rip off his head and pickle it...
Well, that's the list guys. I hope it will help whenever you have the urge to enjoy one of these unfortunate phalic foods and are faced with an asshole friend, dorm mate, or anything else.
But you know what? I hope, more than anything, that this list makes you smile... Makes you look back on all the blogs Kimmy and I have written over the past year. It's been a fun, stressful ride and I hope that in a year, I will be writing another list. And the year after that. Another. Because, you know what? I love Kimmy, and this blog keeps me close and tied to her....
And.... Because you can never run out of phalic foods.
P.S. Happy anniversary Awkward Blog :)