Saturday, September 4, 2010

Thank you for putting up with me....

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life.

It was so filled with stress. Upset. And pure, uncensored anger.

You can all try to guess what happened to make me feel this way. But I'm not going to explain to you what happened to cause the complete failure of this day (yes, I am exaggerating.) (exaggerating? exagerating? exagirating? ... I promised myself I wouldn't swear in this blog post so... Ah Firetruck it.....), I'm going to tell you what happened after everything went wrong.

I was laying on my temprepedic mattress cover, which was laying on the floor of the apartment surrounded by the supplies to make a bed frame, crying when my mother called.

Of course, seeing her name on the phone only pushed me into a greater fit of tears.

It was like she knew....

Before I had collapsed on the floor I had been crying on the floor as I desperatly tried to scrape paint off my laptop bag. And after that I tried pushed aside all my feeling
s and angrily started painting the wall. Arms throbbing, eyes swollen, and mind swirling... Axl took over painting and told me to lay down.

This is when she called.

I hadn't sent her a text. Or posted anything on facebook. She was probably calling because of something craigslist related.... It doesn't matter though. Because in the moment.... It felt like her Berlyn-senses were tingling and she had quickly reached over and picked up her phone (which normally (please get this reference) only rings when the mayor is in dyer need of her help) and called me.

I broke down.

But the thing I wanted to share with everyone was how my mom handled the situation.

Like any normal human being, at the sound of my sobbing, the first question she asked was:

"what's wrong?"

I don't know about all of you, but this question always makes me cry even more. So I started crying even more and whimpered: "Various things."

Now, this is where my mom is seperated from every other human being in the world. Unlike all of my friends (whom I love and DO help when I have these mental break downs) and any other human being (who do their best to help when they are the only one's who can help, even if they are a stranger) my mother allowed me to feel like it was okay to have a temper tantrum/ toddler break down.
She repeated my statement, "various things are wrong?"
"What happened."
I explained. I believe I started off with the word: "EVERYTHING"
... Which was a commonly used word when I had a bad day at school in the fourth grade.

I was crying a lot. I started off crying about the paint situation. She couldn't understand me so she had me had the phone to Axl who told her the situation on the paint and the wall and how much of the wall was left.
Then he handed the phone to me. I broke down again.
I took in a deep breath and then whispered, "Hello."

Really melodramatic.
I know.

To this, my mother laughed and said: "I love you."

We went on to talk about the paint that had not ended up on the wall. I mentioned my laptop bag through boughts of tears. To this she said:

"Paint got on your lap top bag?"


"The one with the cute kitties on it?"


"Oh no. That sucks."

"Nothing got on the kitties though."

"Well that's good... There are sites on the internet that give suggestions on how to get paint out. Why don't we try some of those?"

So she looked up all of these different suggestions and told me what to do, she even looked up a store that was in walking distance of the apartment so that I could fix everything.
She asked me if I wanted to come home.
And I said.
"No. I can't solve any of my problems there. They're all here."
And though I know she would like me to be home with her, I knew she was happy to hear me say that. That I didn't want to run from my problems. From that one bad day.

She didn't need to say anything for me to know she was proud of me.

After that, the day got significantly better. It wouldn't have ended as nicely as it did without my mom.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that without my mom, I would not be able to pick myself up whenever I fell down.
Sure, I cried and threw a fit and gave up and needed help. But afterward the help, I got up and made everything better.

My mom is the most significant factor in my life. But the rest of my family plays similar roles in making me a stronger person.
Think about it.
Without your mother, or father, or sisters, or brothers, would you be who you are today?
Probably not.
If you were raised by wolves you would be able to hunt prey, survive winter, and run on all fours. But if you were brought into civilization you would not be able to function socially because you were never taught how to get over boys (or girls), to do homework you didn't understand, to fix the holes in your favorite clothing. You would break down, and instead of getting back up... You would keep falling.

Read Brave New World.... It'll make sense.

I have friends who can't say "No" to peer pressure. I don't know why they cannot. Do they not look at their little siblings and think : one day they will want to be just like me... Do I want them to fall to the same addictions most teenagers do because I failed to simply say "no".
I have two little sisters.
I have done everything in my power to set a good example for them.
They are nine and seven.
They both love everything about me.
They like my music, they like my clothes, they like my hair, they like my youtube channels, and they like the television and I watch.
They like me. They would love to be anything similar to me one day.
And that is what I worked so hard to do.

I'm a good kid (in my opinion) and I hope they grow up to be good kids too.

So without my sisters I would not have much of a reason to be "good" or have a drive.

Even my brother leaves an impact on who I am.
When I was younger I did everything I could to protect him.
What do I mean?
I took on the neighborhood bully several times because he was a jerk to my brother.
I was much smaller than the neighborhood bully.

Now I speak my mind. No matter what.
Like on this blog.
Or in general.
I stand up for myself and the people I love. Because I used to do that for him all the time.

All my other family members. My cousins. Grandparents. Aunts. And Uncles. Have left marks too.
Making me who I am today.

Sure, friends help too.
But I wanted to bring attention to the people who put up with me twenty-four-seven.
The people who allow me to throw a tantrum. The people who colsole me the same way I console people (because I learned it from them).
My family is one of the most important parts of me.
And I love them.

So cry, throw a tantrum and let your mother, father, sisters, or brothers console you. You don't have to be strong anymore, let it go just once. Drink in the absolute, undying love for as long as you can. Because you only have so much time.

Thanks guys....
To my sisters and brother: I love you all more than you will ever really understand.
To my mom: Thank you for being my best friend and a great mother.

Oh god, I'm almost in tears.


P.S. Kim, I think that we should have the ability once a year to take a personal day. Instead of writing the blog one saturday we should do something family related.
Just one.
So it means more than it usually would.
For example:
The blog will not be posted this week because Berlyn has decided to have a heartfelt conversation on the phone with her mother.
The blog will not be posted this week because Kim is hanging out with Ryan.

You know?

Because maybe then we can encourage others to take the the time they would normally spend on our site to call up their mum or dad.
I think it's a good idea.....

P.P.S. I was thinking about doing a video for the blog my next saturday, what do you all think?

P.P.P.S. Sorry it's long again.


  1. You are such an amazing person Berlyn. I love you so much and I'm glad you reflect on your life and the people who are in it and love you. I miss you very much and yet I'm so glad you are taking this opportunity to grow, learn, experience YOUR life.
    I love you baby....
    Did I mention how awesomely amazing you are???

  2. Berlyn love ya missla

  3. Kate told me I just had to read this and now I am wiping away my tears as I try to type a response.
    The relationship between a mother and daughter has the capacity to be unlike anything else in this world and when it gets to that level it is to be cherished above all else.

    I adore you both so much! I know how hard it is for your mom to let you go so far away and start experiencing life on your own and yet at the same time know how very important and essential it is for you... and so she does it with such love and grace.

    Blessings and love to you both~

  4. Please tell me that I'm right in assuming that was a power puff girls reference. :)

  5. Oh my gosh, this made me cry...

    I'll let you know my thoughts through some other form of communication than this... perhaps telepathy. Or a cell phone.

    I love you so much, Berlyn.

    <3 Kim

  6. Yes it was James haha :)

    And I love you all too. :) Thanks for all the support :)

  7. I wish I had siblings...
    I only have 5 days left at home...
    You're very brave to be SO far away from home and living on your own. But you'll be fine, I just know it :)