Saturday, July 31, 2010
Since kindergarten, I have always made it a point to somehow mark my friends in my yearbook. Every year. I usually underline their names. Freshman year of high school's yearbook had Sharpied smiley faces next to my friends. I usually color coat the markings, too. One color for acquaintances and semi-good friends, another color for really good and best friends. Even this year, I kept up the tradition (though admittedly, I felt a little silly this time around).
I'm not sure why I have always felt the need to label my friends in the annual book. I know they're my friends - shouldn't that be enough? I guess maybe I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget that I had friends, and I don't want to forget who those friends are. I'm not sure where the line is drawn (literally) between an acquaintance/okay-friend (color one) and a close/best friend (color two). What made me look at a certain photograph and say, "Ope, gotta switch markers!"?
Friendship (or any kind of relationship, but that's beside the point) is something I spend hours and hours every week thinking about. I write about friends in my diary (yeah, I still have a diary too. I don't write in it as often as I did several years ago, but still), talk about friends to other friends, and daydream about where friendships are (and are not) headed. Heck, I've even written an article for the school newspaper on the difference between a true best friend and a fake little BFF!!!!1!!!1!!<3:)
But take off the "best" title, and what is the difference between an acquaintance, a buddy, and a friend? I have so many acquaintances, and I always find myself yearning to be great friends with most of them. This goes back to what Berlyn and I have in common - wanting everybody to love us.
But not everybody loves me. Most people don't. And drawing a special colored line under their school photograph isn't going to change that. If only it was that easy...
I'm the first to admit that I care about more people much more than they care about me. And most of the time I'm more than okay with that. There are so many different kinds of "friends," and I care very much about all of mine. Let me fill you in on the ULTIMATE KNOWLEDGE that is my view on friendships.
When you're little, friendship is kind of formed on convenience. Sure, you're not as likely to go up to the cross-eyed kid who screams at inanimate objects while guzzling down a bucket of paste, but really, there isn't a ton of appearance-based judging going on in kindergarten. Mostly everyone is friends with everyone.
At a very early headstart, Ryan and I were close friends with another set of twins who were born the day after we were. Rachel and Elizabeth. We shared a birthday celebration with a magician. I don't remember them much. Our parents were friends and then decided we were friends too. Case closed. Moving on to where I had some say, Kelsey Spears became my best friend when I was old enough to actually talk and venture on my own. We played Barbies together, made crafts together, and she taught me how to swing on a playset without being pushed. Still, at that age, I didn't have a set of qualities I looked for in a friend.
I moved in kindergarten. Nichole Berg was my new neighbor and my new best friend. We had sleepovers and I wished I lived with her. She convinced me that my house was haunted. They always had junk food that I never had and they always had the newest toys. We were best friends, but it was still that childhood kind of friendship that wasn't really based on anything.
Over the years, I have gone through a lot of "best friends." My longest solid friendship is with Tasha, who put up with me through my bossy years, my parents' divorce, and my pathetic depressed years. She became friends with me about the same time that people actually started forming cliques. I broke off from some of my friends (who are now the people who exist purely to party and get drunk, so I'm not missing out) when popularity became a factor. I'm so glad I did.
There are the fun friends. You know, the ones you go to just when you need to release some energy. In the mood for an adventure? Go to your FUN FRIEND! Wanna go celebrate Thirsty Thursday? (If you're into that kinda stuff.) Fun friend, you've got a date! Have a giggle fit, go on a road trip, shop 'til you drop, whatever. Fun friends are something I really do appreciate because, well, they're fun. I'm a stressed out girl who mainly focuses on grades and my abundance of problems. I need a fun friend or two to keep me saaaaaaneeee..... (eh? what's that?)
Then there are the Shoulder Givers. Always there for you when you're going through a rough time. Advice is their forte and they truly care about your well-being. And you may care about theirs, too! They'll pick you up a pint of ice cream and tell you how much better you are than the people causing you distress. By the time they're done with their job, you'll probably have stopped crying (or yelling, or headbanging, or jogging in place, binging, drooling, staring blankly at walls, or whatever you do when you're upset) and feel better. Job well done, Shoulder Giver.
What about the ones who seem like really good friends but only want you to do what THEY think is right? Those are my favorite. But I won't get into that now. Good friends listen to you and stay friends with you even when they disagree with what you're doing or what you want to do. Many times, I disagree with the actions some of my friends make. I disagree, and sometimes I tell them that. I may not understand their decisions, but I accept them and stay friends if at all possible. That doesn't make me the best friend ever, but that's what I like in a friend. Someone who stays with me through my craziness, my awkwardness, my insecurities, my 97mph mood swings, my quirks, etcetera... even when they haven't the slightest clue as to why I'm doing what I'm doing.
I like a friend who is the Fun Friend and the Shoulder Giver. Michelle and Bri once rushed over to my house, urged me to stop crying on my couch, bought me Ben and Jerry's, and then crazily drove me around and went on an adventure. The music was blaring and we were singing (terribly, might I add) while we drove past the houses of ex boyfriends and ex flings. This is Shoulder Giver and Fun Friend multiplied and tied into a pretty package of Best Friend (color number two).
I'm aware that I am not being a Fun Friend right now, and this post is not nearly as entertaining as my dear friend Berlyn. But in my awkwardness and silliness is a girl who just really truly wants to have some fantastic friendships. I wish I had met and conversed with everybody during high school, so that the entire yearbook would have been covered with my abnormal color-coated lines. But hey, at least I know what to look for in college.
A rainbow of various types of friends...
Kimberlyn forever, because we understand what our friendship truly is without defining it.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
I want to play a game.
Seriously. I mean, do you want to know some crazy shit? Last week, Kim (my other half) wrote the blog LIVE FROM CALIFORNIA.
Which makes my blog post...
LIVE FROM CALIFORNIA!
It would be so much cooler if the blog had been posted LIVE from different places... You know? But it seems that the blog only has two homes currently: Washington and California.
.... Moving on....
What's my point for telling all of you that the blog has now, officially been posted from California twice.... What was the purpose of telling you that I wanted to play a game? Well my friends... Since my blog post is the SECOND blog post from California...
I've decided to make things a little interesting.
I'm going to make all of you an offer you cannot refuse.
Are you good at counting? Do you like movies? Do you like quotes? Because since I am officially forty minutes away from Hollywood I have decided that I am going to hide a bunch of populr movie quotes in my blog post.
If you find all of them and send me all the quotes and the name of the picture they can be found in you win the grand prize (TBA).
If you guess or find the right number of movie quotes you get the second first place prize.... (Also TBA).
What do you need to do to enter?
Just email us at AwkwardConfessions@gmail.com with your entry. I, personally, like to be amused so if you wish to type a witty thing up in the subject box as the heading of your submission feel free.
Before I move on... You all understand... Correct?
Quotes. Prizes. Fun. SECOND post from California.
Get it? Got it? Good!
I know what you all are thinking now...
Berlyn... What could you possibly write about now that you have started your blog off in such a way that resembles a game show? WHERE COULD YOU POSSIBLY GO FROM HERE?!
Well, friends, I am going ramble, rant, raggle-muffin, and throw a ruckus about anything that comes to my mind.
.................................. So kind of like stream of conciousness (Causisness, Conciousness, consisness?... Ah fuck it....) but more Berlyn-like... So more of a panic attack.
I have to prepare my self....
The future... Failure... The dark.... gross stuff under your nails... stuff in my hair.... stuff in my hair.... retainer in water.... the world is ending... THE WORLD IS ENDING!
Alright I'm ready.
First of I want to say that I am terrified for what is to come. School is scary, moving out is scary and even furniture is scary.
Why can't I be a normal kid and want a normal college experience no farther than a hundred miles away from home?
Why do I want to become a screenwriter when most of my friends want to help people? Doctors, teachers, health trainers....
I mean seriously?
Who looks at Berlyn Lee and thinks:
I'll have what she's having?
No one most likly.
People are probably going to walk into the apartment that I just rented today (which I kind of, really, love..) And think.... She's gonna need a bigger boat.
Inside I wanna be like SO WHAT?! I'M MOTHERFUCKIN RICKY JAMES BITCH! But in reality I would feel all upset about it and say nothing. I just hope in the end that I can push away that upset feeling and be happy... I hope I can.
These past few months my mom has been saying that life is like a box of chocolates. You never really know what you're going to get. But I do, at least a small part of me feels like I have found my home.
Sure. To all my friends in Washington I can promise you that every once in a while I'll be back but really... I want to make California my home for a while. I like it here already.
I mean... It's just so fluffy.
And by fluffy I mean diverse.
And though things will get rough.... There's always a tomorrow. It's only a day away.
So do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk?!
.... Man I wish I was black sometimes. Then I could be true gangster without really trying. Is that racist? Probably. Oh well. I mean, I love being british, don't get me wrong... But it's much harder to be a gangster and be white. It's just not easy... At all. Maybe that's just me though. Gangster at heart but soft outside.
I mean. I can't fight. I'd probably cry and tell the cops everything. And I could not wear baggy pants... I like the tight fitting ones.
And I talk a lot. And rule one is that you never talk about fight club.
... It's also rule three.
I know what you all are thinking.
Berlyn, that's the cryteria for GUY gangsters.
Yeah... Well... You want to see the GIRL cryteria?!
-Short tops that show your tummy.
-Sex with gang members
-LONG curly hair
-Fighting (less guns more nails....)
-A good amount of sex appeal
-And a very wide vocabulary for cat fights.
That whore... Skank.... Bitch....
That lint licker.....
Maybe I could just hang out with everyone and not really be in the gang but hang with gangsters... Making me a gangster....
I could be like a refferee (uhhhhh spelling is hard) or something.
GENTLE MEN PLEASE! You can't fight in here! This is the war room!
Yeah... Good gig for me.
Again, moving on.
I'm a little paranoid that I'm boring you. Saying things and throwing movie quotes about.... Some of them aren't even movie quotes... But they count. What should I talk about now?
I want to advertise this blog. I'm going to make stickers and place them all over the city and stuff. This way we get more attention. More love.
And we all know how much Kim and I love being loved :)
Damn it's hot in this room... My mom closed the window. I mean god, my the force be with me. It's hella hot in here. And I'm kind of exhausted... That's probably adding to the whole thing.
So I'm going to go to sleep.
My next blog will be written in Washington but after September 1st ALL OF MY BLOGS WILL BE WRITTEN FROM GOOD OL' CALIFORNIA.
I'm so excited :D
e-mail us your entries for the contest to the email address above.
I will inform you who has won in the comments or on facebook.... The I will personally deliver your girfts.
P.S. Kim... How do you feel about stickers?
Friday, July 16, 2010
Some little girls dream of growing up to be a princess who lives with their handsome price in a magical castle full of mystical creatures and rooms full of treasure. When I was younger, I dreamed about staying young and living merrily in a shopping center. Yeah, a mall. I don't know if this fantasy has ever crossed any of your minds, but think about it now.
The furniture store has tons of beds to choose from - the perfect place to host a sleepover (or for a bored insomniac to hang out in the early morning). The food choices are endless (seeing as there is a food court... Berlyn may have to branch out of her "I only eat Asian food when I go to malls" rule if she were to live in one); there are plenty of bathrooms and televisions and books... (OH MY GOSH IMAGINE HAVING YOUR OWN BORDERS!)... and do not even get me started on the clothes.
Take a deep breath...
In my preteen years, I used to dream about being fully accessorized from Claire's. Now, not so much, but I could pierce my ears there. Maybe get some Lip Smackers... (Did anyone else absolutely love those? I would lick my lips constantly from the deliciousness they were covered in... yummy...)
It's like a 200,000 square foot closet. With escalators and water fountains and useless crap included! (And I thought Michelle Su's parents' closet at their old house was extravagant.)
I think I would spend a lot of time in Sports Authority. I would rollerskate through the aisles, dribble a soccer ball around the circumference of the store, and sleep in a tent. I bet I would accidentally stab myself with a fishing pole, though... Yeah, probably...
Berlyn would enjoy Bed, Bath, and Beyond... to look for the Beyond, of course. I might visit her often for the massage chairs and all of the As Seen On TV products. Boy, do I want a Slap Chop. Or a Ped Egg to brush people with...
Beyond my fantasy (speaking of fantasy... Fridays are Fantasy Friday at Cowgirls! Berlyn and I went there on our shopping trip on Senior Skip Day and the barista had a smoking hott body! Daaaaaang grrrrrlll!) , though, how great would it be to sneak around and spend a single night in a store? I would love to jump out at people from a display of chips or clothes or soda or something first thing in the morning. (Does that make me a bad person, or just a strange one?)
Or a night in Disneyland... I realize that this is sort of possible for a small fortune, but you sleep in the castle. I want to have the rides up and operating at all hours and just have my friends and me be allowed in past midnight until opening hours. I can hear the fireworks from here every night (I'm in Huntington Beach at the moment) but I can't see them or experience the magic. Imagine living there. Maybe you would get tired of it, but I sure wouldn't. Fake decorations would come to life (only if I wanted them to... I'm not sure if I would like flying multi-colored elephants chasing me through the night), the bakery would majestically be constantly stocked with mouthwatering, fresh bread, and I could just sleep in a freaking tea cup if I so desired.
LET ME HAVE MY INSANE FANTASIES, OKAY?!
The mall one was much more common than the Disneyland one.
If I didn't want to go into a life of making a big difference, I would consider working on a cruise ship... I think I would like that. I suppose it would be kind of like living in a real-life fantasy for a while, wouldn't it? With the lights and buffets and booze and friendly people and all...
But maybe all of our lives are a fantasy to someone out there. No matter how much you may think your life sucks and no matter how much time you spend thinking about a magical life, maybe there is someone out there dreaming of living exactly the way you currently live your life.
(I'm sure someone out there is dreaming of having people to miss while on vacation, or making pro and con lists about every little detail of every little decision, or meeting a non-biological twin at the age of 18 to start a blog with...)
Daydreaming probably takes up too much of my time.. but what better do I have to do? Stare intensely at cute people/things and name inanimate objects? I'll just keep to my far-fetched fantasies and you can keep up yours (or start to more often!)
Let me know what you dream of/fantasize about! (Especially if it's about me...)
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I guess I didn't think how creepy that thing would be starring at me while I write this blog at 1:25 am... Wait 1:26 am... Whatever.
Anyways... I should explain.
The week before last, while writing my previous blog, I came up with a suposedly
(supposedly? suposedly? Suposedly? ah fuck it...) genius idea...
"What was this idea?"
You ask spritely.
Well this idea was:
What would a baby made by Kimberlyn look like?
The thought following this idea was:
There has got to be a baby generator on the internet.
And there was.
Because there are people out there that MUST also think:
I wonder what my baby would look like if I had unprotected sex with another human being.
They probably wonder this about famous actors like Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp, or Heath Ledger.
While I think about what a baby made by Kim and I would look like.
What can I say?
Kim you are my Johnny Depp/Brad Pitt/Heath Ledger fantasy.
I found two sites that actually worked.
One cost $9.95 monthly subscription...
The one I did was...
Because I'm cheap.
The site came up with the horrifying picture above.
I call it KimBerlyn(ish)Jr.
I think it's a girl.
Anyways. I guess what I am trying to do with this wonderful little 1:34 in the morning ancedote is remind you all that though the internet is far and vast in it's pure awesomeness... It does lie every once in a while.
If you have already over looked the photo...
Let me give you an electronic slap across the face.
That baby is NOT what mine and Kim's baby would look like...
Our baby would be, quiet possibly, the cutest thing to walk the earth... Well... At first it wouldn't do much, and then it would sit, and then it would crawl, and then it would walk. It's a process.
I mean think about it.
Kim has beautiful eyes. I have pretty awesome hair. And we both have great skin, nice bodies, and big boobs (sometimes that's good and sometime's that's bad), and we both need glasses (Kim probably needs them more than me) and glasses are cute... So it's a good quality.
Though there would be defects...
Like paranoyia (PLEASE ignore my spelling tonight. I understand that it is especially awful tonight), anxiety, numerous sleep disorders, attatchment problems, stress, countless phobias (I don't know about you guys but I add new phobias to my list every week... This week: A phobia of things from the mouth in water... Soaking... Like my cousin's retainer... In a glass of water... In my room...), social disorders, relationship problems, awkwardness, and other problems (I don't know what category this would go under but... I seriously just cleaned the bathroom because I tried to move the rug and it was STUCK TO THE FLOOR... I was terrified so I cleaned the entire bathroom at like 1:00 in the morning.... It bothers me that I don't know the exact time.).
Despite all of these problems this child would be a cute, loveably awkward child that adores cute people in the mall, puppies on the street, writing for all kinds of things, butterflies, sunshines, aceing tests, watching crimes shows, watching reality television, looking for pictures of cute people on the internet, looking at funny things on the internet, reading books, staying up late on waking up early, and even just sitting around with a good friend.
Seriously. Best. Child. Ever.
Though they would probably never leave Kim's or my sight....
They would be too scared.
(My transitions are amazing as usual)
THAT is the child that that website should have produced. It lied.
Sometimes the internet does that.
It breaks hearts.
But I've forgiven it.
Because I know the truth.
Just like I know that Lady Gaga is secretly not a man, but might be, just kidding, but really, come on guys have you seen her body, but maybe....
I know that a baby made by the combined DNA of Kim and myself would be nothing more than pure awesome...
I should find a picture of that baby.
(cause of Kim's genes.)
Since Kimberyn(ish)Jr. stole the good name.
I've decided to name these two Fred... And Ricky...
So the Boy (the cool dude on the left) would be Ricky... And the girl (Awwww on the right) would be Fred.
That way, combined, they would be FredRicky :)
I. Am. A. Genius.
I kind of have a feeling Ricky will be more like me... And Fred would be more like Kim. Ricky looks like he would like acting like a badass, misspelling words, staying up late, hitting on girls, and acting british (Well... He would be like half british)... While Fred looks like she would enjoy burying herself in a nice book, with a coffee in hand, thinking about friends, harry potter, vicotoria's secret, cute girls in the mall, and waking up early in the morning to conquer something.
They would probably both share a love of fluffy puppies.
They are the two most adorable things.
And one day they will be...
Well... Kind... Of....
I'm going to transition now...
(I like that... More blunt...)
(Oh. Dear. I'm talking to myself.)
Kimmy dearest... I want to propose an idea to you....
I know we can't both have children together but... When we do have children can we introduce them as brothers and sisters? So that when I live in California and you live in Washington or somewhere else and they want to see one another they will approach us and ask:
"Mom, can we go to auntie Berlyns/Kims to see my brothers and sisters soon?"
And when they introduce them to their friends it will go like this:
"This is my sister Fred."
"This is my brother Ricky."
Though... The names will probably change... I sure hope the idea and the love doesn't.
It's just a thought.
I hope you all enjoyed my late-night rantings.
I quite enjoyed them...
Oh, did you Berlyn?
Why, yes. Yes I did.
What was that noise...
I think it came from the closet.
... No... It's just the air conditioning....
Or was it?
.... I'm going to sleep.
-Berlyn (2:15 am)
P.S. Kim... Check our inbox for email@example.com... We got invited to something. I would text you but it's late.
(.... 2:16 am)
Saturday, July 3, 2010
So I have this thing where I get extremely excited and giddy when I see somebody cute (not necessarily someone I'm attracted to, just someone who has a generally high amount of adorableness). My reaction could be compared to the typical female's response to locking eyes with a playful puppy or a laughing baby. If I'm with somebody I'm comfortable around (mainly Berlyn or Michelle) I will point and loudly whisper "Look how cute they are!!"
Some may say this is my inner-child who never learned to think INSIDE her head trying to come out...
One trait that gets me jumping up and down on the tips of my toes is freckles. OH MY GAWDDD I LOVE FRECKLES SOOOO MUCH. Yeah. The caps lock was necessary. Freckles can make me like somebody more. Maybe I associate them with innocence, I don't know. But they temporarily excuse bad behavior in my eyes until I realize otherwise. For example, I was with a friend at my neighborhood park once and we were observing two siblings playing with each other on the playground. The boy suddenly shoved his sister down the slide without warning and she hit her face and began to cry. My friend exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, did you see that?! He's so mean!" but all I said back was "But he's so cute! Look at all those freckles! Awhhhhh!!" Red-headed Freckle Boy Who Shoves Siblings Down Playground Toys, you were not very nice that day. But you were so cute I didn't care.
The picture I included is of Fo Porter. She is my favorite contestant of America's Next Top Model ever. She was adorable, sweet, silly, sensitive (she cried practically every episode), and had SO MANY FRECKLES. She got kicked off toward the end of the cycle for being too short. She should have won the moment Tyra noticed her and her effing adorable freckled face. Hmph.
Another thing I find exceptionally adorable is people who are obviously laughing really hard... but no noise comes out of their mouth. It's like something is so funny that it would be painful to laugh normally. When a picture is taken of this, nothing is lost. Both the photo and reality capture happiness, and I find it adorable. It's hard for me to explain the feeling I get when I see this, but the closest thing I can compare it to is being cuddled up with a thick, soft blanket by a cozy fire with a mug of hot cocoa in hand in the middle of winter while reading the best book ever written. Throw in a giant bear hug and you're solid.
People who squeak when they laugh (like Sam Wren!), cover their mouths as if they are embarrassed of their laughter, and people who laugh with their mouths closed are all tied in a close second.
I suppose I think a lot of people are cute. Berlyn and I went to Southcenter for a shopping trip, and I pointed out at least three girls who made my tummy spin in awe of their adorableness. Two were in Forever 21 (which actually disappointed me this trip) and one was in line for Panda Express at the food court. Berlyn agreed with me on one girl, but was not so impressed with the following two. I felt like I should have went up to these girls and told them how cute they are, regardless of the strange looks I probably would have received. It was obvious that the first girl KNEW she was cute though, which makes me a little sad. There's something magical in a cute person not realizing just how cute they are...
I think a huge factor of a baby's cuteness is its clothes. I can go into the baby section of a store and yell "awwwww!!!" to clothing with no baby attached. Small shoes? Adorable. Jumpers with animated baby animals sewn on? Charming. Sometimes I want a baby just to have something cute to look at all day. Then I think, "what if the baby had freckles, laughed all the time, and played Patty Cake with a newborn puppy?" Would that be cute overload? I think I would explode from Too Much Adorable syndrome. Also, in reality, babies cry and poop and keep people from sleeping a normal amount. Not so cute. Let's pretend that part doesn't happen.
So what I'm going to do, I decided, is carry around a small notebook and call it my "Cute Journal." I'm going to write down everything I find especially adorable and write it down. If I have my camera with me, I may even take a picture (as long as I don't look creepy doing it). When I'm feeling sad or bummed about something, I'm going to look back on the journal and realize there are too many cute things in the world for me to be sad. I think it might just cheer me up. You all should try it too. It can't hurt, at least.
So it's time for me to look at cute people on teh internetz now... Until next time, here's a cute puppy: