Saturday, January 29, 2011

Please don't cry over my list...

People deal with being upset in a multitude of ways. It's kind of mind-blowing, really, how different people handle the same types of situations extremely differently from each other. There's crying, retail therapy, yelling, punching walls, distracting yourself, exercising, starting projects... Anything you could POSSIBLY do could be the thing that cheers someone else up. Heck, maybe the light bulb was created because Edison was upset and needed to concentrate on something else to feel better. Probably not... but you never know.

Me? I make lists. I mean, that's definitely not the only thing I do. Sometimes I cry when I'm upset. Sometimes I pretend to be okay. Sometimes (a lot of the time, actually) I write in my journal. Sometimes I write letters to my friends. Sometimes I go for a walk. I do puzzles, play the Sims 3, sleep, make collages, and surround myself with people. These are many of the things I do when I'm upset... but it all depends on why I'm upset, how upset I am, and basically just what I feel like doing.

The only CONSISTENT thing I do every single time I'm upset is make at least one list of some sort. Now, I generally am a list-organizer anyway. You shouldn't assume I'm upset if I'm making a list, because that's probably not the case. But if I'm upset, you better bet I WILL make a

So yesterday I wrote a list of things to do to make me and my friend not upset. (Sorry for all the vagueness... it's necessary. So deal.)
The list goes as follows:

"Things For Us To Do! (You pick.) (As Many As You Want!):
Plays Sims 3
bake! Cookies, cake?! cook soup!!
go to the park (swings)
coffee and tea
"dance" to screamo
Christmas puzzle
make mood playlists and mixed CDs
paint nails
hug. a lot.
write inspirational notes to leave in public places
make fun of Flower
make Postsecret postcards
figure out what the weird red bump on my skin is
NO Facebook. browsing
rent movies at Blockbuster
look at and come up with Porno names
come up with haircut ideas
brainstorm ideas [for my shoes]"

Okay, quick disclaimer: The list was not suggesting we look at porno movies, just that we look at the NAMES of porno movies... because they're really amusing. Also, Flower is my 16-year-old Yorkshire Terrier dog with no front teeth and really squinty eyes.

All of those things are possible ways to cheer yourself up. They may not work for you, but if you need any healthy ways of dealing with being upset for any reason, I believe they are worth a try.

I need to make this a short update (so I may throw in an extra blog post during the week... if that's okay with you, Berlyn... I know how much we like consistency... call me?!) because I need to actually start doing some of the things on this list.

I just want to make it clear to everybody that there is ALWAYS a way to deal with being upset - no matter how upset you are and no matter how much you feel like that feeling will go away. You'd be surprised what seemingly silly things can make you feel better, too, even if that relief is only temporary. I often find myself crying when I'm upset and feeling like that's all I can do. But it's not.

So I'm curious... how do you deal with being upset? Any suggestions for the rest of us? Let me know, and I will write again in a few days most likely.


P.S. I didn't make the list in the photo... but it made me giggle.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Lets runaway together...

Have you ever wanted to runaway?

Have you ever felt so overloaded with thoughts, information, and pain that you just want to pack up and leav everything behind? Start anew?

For me this is a yes and no answer.

I don't like the idea of physically leaving... But I do like the idea of running away...

I like the idea of freely dropping all your worries, your cares, your upsets, your triumphs... Nothing is treated unfairly... Everything is dropped... Forgotten...
I love the idea of being free.

I think this feeling... Or this thought of running away was broght up by a few things that recently happened.
1) Axl told me he won't be coming home until May ( I wish I could run away)
2) I asked my friend Sarah to run away with me...
3) I watched Girl, interupted for the first time and the idea of being free and being trapped has been invading my mind every second since then.

Axl, my boyfriend, recently had to move to Arizona for work. He was only supposed to be there until Feb. now he's there until May. It drives me nuts you know?
It makes me think: God.. Wouldn't it be nice to run away and not have to worry about any of this?
The same goes for my fear of the future. My fear of abandonment and all my other phobias.
(I've told you that I have a shit ton of new phobias right? This probably roots from me watching Monk to fall asleep (Monk is a show about a detective who has a ton of phobias)... And also my paranoia... I'm not going to blame everything on Monk... And I think I have that one disease where you think you have other disease... Only I think I have other phobias....) .

When I think about the future I want to run away. Start over. Wake up with a blank slate and start over.

There was this one time where I was in Astronomy and we watched that video where it starts at a picnic and goes up and up and up into space until you can't even see Earth anymore.
I had a panic attack.
I can only imagine what will happen when people have to move to a new planet and I can't step foot on the space ship.
I would rather die. No joke.

The thought of this is frightening but working hard to get to my dream and then never reaching it is probably even more frightening. It makes me want to cry.
The thought of writing my whole life and never getting anything ever published. Never winning a prestigeous award....
The thought of waiting until I am out of school and have a career to have kids and then finding out that I can't have kids....
Working hard my whole life to make my mom proud and before I can ever accomplish everything I want to I wake up and she's not there...
Falling in love and growing old and finding out you hate what the other person has become...
Watching your sisters and brother make desicsions that they shouldn't but you have no power over what they decide to do...

I mean... What happens the day my seven year old sister is seventeen and is dumped by her first love?
Will I even be there for her or will I have to comfort her over the phone...? Would she even call me?
Even the thought of her being a teenager gives me the heeby-jeebies.

But do you see how all of these worries would make a person want to run away? When I say run away I don't mean packing my bags and going to Europe... I mean forgetting everything and moving on.
If I still have the memories... It's like I never left... And I wouldn't be gone long enough to recover.

I guess I'm just scared that everything will fall apart because that's what I'm used to.
I'm used to be happy for a moment in time and then watching everything crumble to peieces.
(I mean... I'm not depressed or trying to whine or anything.... I'm just thinking via internet. And I'm perfectly content. I don't want to die. I just want to know what it would feel like to forget everything for a few days and be a totally new person... Just for a little bit.)

I mean... I had a decent relationship with my brother until my step dad became my step dad. We used to be buddies.
I tackled a bully and punched him in the face the minute he messed with my little brother.
I had a dad, I remember being happy breifly... Until I was forced to wake up and realize he was a jerk.
I was happy in seventh grade until I wanted to die.

.... It's funny what I can remember about my time in Middle school. The first time I really had a conversation with Kim (my other half) was on the floor of the girls bathroom at middle school graduation in tears.
Do you remember Kimmy?

I watched Girl, Interupted for the first time and something they talked about a lot was being free.... Even though they were all inside an insane asylum... When ever they left the place they felt more trapped than they did inside because they weren't cured... They weren't better. They were still pretending.. Even when they were out in the 'real' world.
So here I am... In the real world and I still feel like I am pretending.

I have an apartment. I have a boyfriend who wants to marry me. I'm getting an education. I have a job. I have new friends and old friends. I have family that supports me.
They're all real... Tangible things... And yet... I feel like I am still pretending.
Still sitting in my bedroom and whining about how I didn't make it in the musical or how boys don't like me.

I don't know.
With that feeling floating around your head. Plus all your flaws. All your fears... All your mis-steps in life (that you are supposed to learn from butthey haunt you forever)... All the people you have hurt.
Isn't it comforting to think about waking up somewhere else with no memory of your life?
Wouldn't it be comforting.... Even for a moment... To feel the pure emptiness in your mind?

Running away....

When I was little I remembered Dakota, my brother, packed his bags and left the house. He told my mom he was running away but she didn't panic. She knew he would be back.
I think that's how I would respond if I woke up without any memory. Without all those phobias and stuff.
I would sit there and think. Don't worry. It'll come back.

I think the only thing that I would be mad at myself for running away is missing out on the lives of the people around me... My sisters and brother mostly. It scares me but I can't wait until they are all adults.
People say that your happiest time is when you're a child but I can't wait until my sisters go to prom... And I can't wait until my brother meets the girl of his dreams.
It makes my throat close up... And tears fill my eyes.
I'm so excited.
The other thing is forgetting the memories that make me smile. I mean they're all pointless but they make me smile.

Choking when my friend Jenny told me she was dating this jerk Patrick.

Sitting with my brother, riddled with guilt after making out with his best friend in a semi-drunk state a few days before... Refusing to tell him and when he finally got it out of me he replied "I know... It's okay"... He was so smart and grown up... I couldn't believe it. I admire him.

All of my awful birthday parties that will live in infamy.

Meeting Kim in the Bathroom.

My crush on Cruise in kindergarten.

The boy in my neighborhood who gave me a ring.

Walking around New York City by myself.

Dancing at the talent show as Sarah and the Gang.

The births of my little sisters.

I've been talking too much. And I know I've rambled several times in here. Per usual.
But I have just been thinking about this a lot recently.
Forgetting everything and seeing what my life would be like if I forgot everything and started over.
Would I have the same amount of phobias? Would I meet another boy? Would I have a family? Would I be happy? Would I be as fucked up? Would I be able to leave someone I love and not worry that they will forget all about me?
Would I miss the life I couldn't remember?

I don't know.

I was just thinking out loud.
I guess give me your take on all of this. Would you like to runaway?

I hope you all enjoyed this feild trip into Berlyn's mind. See you all in two weeks.

My name is Berlyn Lee and when I was little I packed up my bags and ran away... But I came back.
- Berlyn

Sunday, January 16, 2011

My biggest love-hate relationship... ahhh!

So I have an ongoing love-hate relationship in my life. It probably started in about... sixth grade? That would make this a seven-year love-hate relationship, so it's lasted about 36 percent of my life so far. SO FAR. I predict it will last for many years to come. If there's a hate aspect, why do I keep it a part of my life? Well, I like sitting on the edge of my seat and waiting for some dramatic twist to occur. I like surprises. On the other hand, though, this relationship makes me feel like I need to cry (and sometimes pee simultaneously)...

No, I'm not talking about a boy (though some of them also make me want to cry while I bounce excitedly on the tips of my toes trying to figure out what's coming next). I'm talking about scary movies. Horror films. Cinematic projects that make you cringe.

See, I approach these types of films differently almost every time. It depends on the type of scary movie, who I'm watching it with, what time of day it's playing, and my overall mood in general.

One rule I've set for myself is NO WATCHING SCARY MOVIES ALONE. I'm almost certain I'd convince myself I was in danger and continue to hyperventilate for hours after the movie was over... if I even reached the end of the film.

Another rule is if the movie is scaring me too much, then I start trying to make fun of it. I remember watching The Descent a few years ago with Jaden, and I'm pretty sure that was the first time I tried this tactic. I was scared out of my mind, but I would start laughing hysterically every time somebody got killed. That made it much more bearable.

The year before, I watched Boogeyman with my friend Michelle. We were downstairs on her couch with the lights off (as ALWAYS with a scary movie... no lights on. Ever.) I can't remember if the movie was very scary or not... because we were throwing popcorn at the screen. This could have been a defense mechanism much like laughing at death scenes, or maybe it was just terrible. I can't remember. I do remember, however, Michelle's mom coming downstairs and turning the lights on in the middle of the movie to find popcorn littered all over the floor.

Just last night, I watched Paranormal Activity for the first time. I squeezed Meason (the cutest teddy bear in the world, no contest) pretty much the entire time and couldn't walk back to my dorm room for probably an hour after the movie ended because I was too scared to go out in the dark (or even move from where I had been sitting, really). At least with that movie there was a noise before every scary part so I could attempt to prepare myself...

The original plan for last night (after I got to see my family! eeeee!) was to watch Paranormal Activity and Paranormal Activity 2. I was too scared after the first one to watch the sequel, so that is tonight's plan. I've heard it is WAY more scary than the first movie, but I still plan on watching it. Why? Why do I put myself through that? James even texted me a bit ago asking, "Do you want to get scared out of your mind now or later?" I'm writing this blog right now and then I have geology homework to do, so I said later. He replied with, "Sounds awesome. Besides the later it is the more scared you'll be. Haha." (THIS IS TRUE. Why is everything scarier in the dark?! Maybe it's because all the scariest parts of scary movies occur in the dark? Even while I was watching Paranormal Activity, I knew that I could calm down during the day scenes because nothing scary was going to happen. Hmm...) Like I said before, I like the suspense. I like the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen, even if it makes me queasy and terrified.

The weird thing, though, is that most of the time I start to believe I'm in the movie. At least I try to figure out exactly what I would do if I were in the situations of the main characters. I get pissed off at the characters who are doing something stupid that is sure to mess everything up for somebody else. I yell a lot. I squirm a lot (I was in a spinny chair while watching Saw 6... I spun around in circles during the goriest of scenes). I get paranoid. (You should have seen me after watching Number 23 with Jaden and her dad. I felt like I needed to link everything to 23 and then got scared that I'd end up like the crazy woman who jumped out a window.) It probably doesn't help that I'm TERRIFIED of ghosts. (All you people who don't believe in ghosts are nuts. They're real. Case closed.) After Paranormal Activity was over, I sat and stared at the wall, which caused James to say, "Please don't start rocking back and forth."

The best horror films are the Saw series, by the way. The gore is absolutely disgusting, but the movies have an amazing story line and keep you thinking once the film is over. Anyway...

I know a lot of people hate scary movies, and I would never try to convince somebody to watch one. People have nightmares from some of these movies, and I don't think that's worth it. Some people just think the movies are dumb (and a lot are... but if that's the only thing stopping you from watching, then you might as well give it a shot if you're bored). As long as I have somebody else in the room with me and something to squeeze (like an adorable teddy bear or a pillow) then I'll be fine. Well, I'll live anyway. I really do have a love-hate relationship with scary movies because I'm a self-admitted wimp. I think I'm just happy that I'm not living in a scary movie, so I'm okay with watching them...

Well, I'm going to wrap this up so I can do my geology lab homework and then prepare myself for another night of terror. Let me know if you like scary movies and why or why not. Any funny stories are always welcome too :)

- My name is Kimberly and sometimes I throw things while watching scary movies.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Did Berlyn say World Domination?

So right now I am sitting in my apartment bored out of my mind.

I'm watching Monk as an encouragement to actually get this blog done, I need some type of noise to keep me going. Human voices, you know?
Yesterday I hung out with friends and it was a lot of fun. Tonight I was supposed to go to the movies but my friends went without me and my other friends don't want to go to the movie that the other group went to. And now the other group is going to a club that
costs 25 dollars. I can't afford that so I'm staying here. Alone. All night.

I mean it's not that I don't have anything to do. I need to finish this blog. Read a script. Read Harry Potter Four and work on a Feature Script.

... What? What did Berlyn say? Did she say feature script?

Yes, Yes I did.

A friend of mine needs to edit a feature to get into an editing fellowship and she liked my writing (and my sparkling personality) enough to ask me to write it for her.
I might even ask if I can direct it.

See. Right now I'm struggling with it because the main character isn't as developed as I normally would like. I used to develope the characters of my stories almost to obsession... Now, I don't know what's gotten into me but I don't much like the main character.

But, from what Julie has read so far she likes it so... That's good.

It's about striving to become famous on youtube. So, it's a good idea. A period piece almost (like the social network and facebook).
(Which by the way will probably win the oscar because it's a period piece but.... I want Black Swan to win (granted I still need to see Blue Valentine, The Kids are Alright, and the Kings Speech)).

Anyways, the feature will probably be pretty cool and I am just over reacting at the moment.

What this feature has done for me is made me realize that I need to be using the internet to my advantage more. I need to be using my twitter, my youtube, my facebook... Everything to my advantage... To get attention.

But the only question is how do I do that in a fashion that will benefit me rather than hurt me (because the internet can do both very well).

First off: Blogging

I have this wonderful blog where all my thoughts and experiences on on record and my writing (though it's not professional writing mind you...) is on display. People can come on here and read a rough version of my writing, of the way I talk, and the type of person I am.
And that's great. I love that this blog provides that oppertunity.

Second off: Facebook

I have a facebook account that is pretty safe. Not too much swearing... No nudity... No stupid things I wouldn't want people to see. So I feel pretty confident in my facebook. Sure, it wouldn't be something I could use in an interview but Facebook is supposed to be a place for friends. So people should understand that. I use facebook to update people on my life and talk to friends. Not to post dirty pictures of myself and pick up men. That's enough right?

Third off: Twitter

I have a twitter account and what I have started to do (As of today) is post paranoid thoughts that come into my head. Often times my paranoia is a good starting point for
stories and it's good to have around. I also think that for a writer an active imagination is a plus. I would not be surprised if my favorite writers and directors were also paranoid.

Fourth: Youtube.
I'm thinking that I will start to write pitches for story ideas or write out short scripts and story board them and show them on youtube. So as I read the pitch or script I would show what the film would look like with mystory boarding. The shots, the look of the characters, the places, and items in the shots.
I think this will be the most benificial to me because it'll not only show my storyboarding skills but my writing ability.

I don't know when I will start this but hopefully it will be soon.

So on top of those things to do on the internet. I might also be helping with a web series. My friend that asked for me to write the feature is doing a web series. She asked if I wanted to help and I told her to keep me informed.

So I guess the theme of this weeks blog is to put yourself out there and use the internet to it's full potential.
I don't know I mean the internet was made to create more ways to reach everyone else. It's a portal to some small, small version of world domination.

And everyone likes world domination... Right?

Anyways. I need to start reading that script and stuff. I also have a few movies that I have yet to watch.

So. Go! Dominate the world :)

... Don't forget about me when you get domination... Kay?

My name is Berlyn and I work out everyday (Well... Not really).

It's weird cause this is about world domination at the end and the last on was about superheros :)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year! You may now kiss the bride.

It's that time of year again. You know, the beginning. We counted down until the ball dropped, congratulated each other on surviving yet another year, made resolutions, and some of us kissed. We made it through the first decade of the new millenium. Yay.

So for the next couple weeks, people all over the globe may notice slight changes in their friends and acquaintences. Out of shape people may start attending a gym, college kids may pledge to study more or procrastinate less, people in the fast lane may attempt to slow down. The truth is, though, most people stay true to their resolutions strictly for about a month and then slowly start to return to their normal selves. Gym trips may go from three times a week to once a week to once every other week. Study habits will dwindle down when more exciting options appear. And let's face it: nobody will ever procrastinate less.

I'm not writing this to give you any advice on how to stick to your resolutions. I've set numerous resolutions for myself every year and the only ones I actually stick to for the whole twelve months are the ones I already knew I would accomplish (like maintaining my GPA). I find myself following through for longer when I write reminders in places I'm sure to come across several times a day or by setting time aside on my calendar. That's the one piece of advice I actually do have: write it down and it's more likely to be done.

Sticky note on the mirror: Hey, asshole! Go to the gym, you fatty!

Really, if you want something badly enough, you'll make it happen (in most cases, anyway). It's mainly about willpower, which is something I personally don't have a whole lot of. And time and time again I'm told "If you have the mindset that you're going to fail, then you will." So this time around I'm entering the new year with a positive attitude and an optimistic view on my abilities to stick to what I want to succeed with.

Besides the resolution aspect of New Years, I entered the year surrounded by people having fun. This year makes two years in a row that I felt genuinely happy as the clock hit 12:00 am on January 1. I was with my best friend since third grade, my twin brother, my mom, my other family, about about 50 other people (not exaggerating). It was pretty awesome, not going to lie.
I went to bed around 3:30 am and woke up at 7:24 am so I could leave Tasha's house and start getting ready for a wedding. Yes, a wedding on Jan 1. Just like Amanda said before she started tearing up, "Every year for the rest of their lives, they'll enter together! Oh my God, it's just so cute!" And hey, they'll never forget their anniversary.

A day surrounded by love was a pleasant and refreshing way to start the new year off. I love weddings so much. They make me so happy, for the most part. They also make me a little sad because right now I feel like I'll never experience that kind of love. I'm only 19 though, so I KNOW there's time, but that doesn't change the way I feel. My personal feelings about love aside, it was just so amazing to see Steph and Matt Kozy together. Two people loving each other so much to agree to stay together for the rest of their lives is just so... amazing. I can't think of a better word for it.

So I will share one of my resolutions with you. It's not to find that kind of love, but to change my attitude about that kind of love. It's my resolution to change my way of thinking to believe I deserve and will eventually experience it. Matt and Steph are best friends. They understand and support each other. They're so flipping adorable and perfect for each other. I honestly cannot think of a better match than the two of them. I feel honored that I got to witness their wedding and jumpstart my year in such a great way.

After the wedding, I spent several hours with an awesome group of people. We played games and laughed and drank white grape peach juice (OH MY GOODNESS IT'S SO GOOD). It was the perfect day to start off what I genuinely believe will be a much better year than the ones preceeding it.

So today will be spent packing to go back to campus, cleaning up some messes, relaxation, and positive thinking. I've always been a girl with an optimistic view on life for others but a slightly negative view of it for myself. That's going to change. This year started off differently and I think that was just the beginning of a positively different year.

I truly hope you can all say the same. Yesterday someone said people always think the new year is time to turn their lives around but "really, it's just going to be the same old shit." I've always believed the latter, and maybe you have too, even if just deep down. If that's the case, make it your resolution with me to change your way of thinking.

This is going to be a good year. We just have to let it be.

Happy New Year, everyone.

- My name is Kimberly and I will work out a lot (haha).