Saturday, January 22, 2011

Lets runaway together...

Have you ever wanted to runaway?

Have you ever felt so overloaded with thoughts, information, and pain that you just want to pack up and leav everything behind? Start anew?

For me this is a yes and no answer.

I don't like the idea of physically leaving... But I do like the idea of running away...

I like the idea of freely dropping all your worries, your cares, your upsets, your triumphs... Nothing is treated unfairly... Everything is dropped... Forgotten...
I love the idea of being free.

I think this feeling... Or this thought of running away was broght up by a few things that recently happened.
1) Axl told me he won't be coming home until May ( I wish I could run away)
2) I asked my friend Sarah to run away with me...
3) I watched Girl, interupted for the first time and the idea of being free and being trapped has been invading my mind every second since then.

Axl, my boyfriend, recently had to move to Arizona for work. He was only supposed to be there until Feb. now he's there until May. It drives me nuts you know?
It makes me think: God.. Wouldn't it be nice to run away and not have to worry about any of this?
The same goes for my fear of the future. My fear of abandonment and all my other phobias.
(I've told you that I have a shit ton of new phobias right? This probably roots from me watching Monk to fall asleep (Monk is a show about a detective who has a ton of phobias)... And also my paranoia... I'm not going to blame everything on Monk... And I think I have that one disease where you think you have other disease... Only I think I have other phobias....) .

When I think about the future I want to run away. Start over. Wake up with a blank slate and start over.

There was this one time where I was in Astronomy and we watched that video where it starts at a picnic and goes up and up and up into space until you can't even see Earth anymore.
I had a panic attack.
I can only imagine what will happen when people have to move to a new planet and I can't step foot on the space ship.
I would rather die. No joke.

The thought of this is frightening but working hard to get to my dream and then never reaching it is probably even more frightening. It makes me want to cry.
The thought of writing my whole life and never getting anything ever published. Never winning a prestigeous award....
The thought of waiting until I am out of school and have a career to have kids and then finding out that I can't have kids....
Working hard my whole life to make my mom proud and before I can ever accomplish everything I want to I wake up and she's not there...
Falling in love and growing old and finding out you hate what the other person has become...
Watching your sisters and brother make desicsions that they shouldn't but you have no power over what they decide to do...

I mean... What happens the day my seven year old sister is seventeen and is dumped by her first love?
Will I even be there for her or will I have to comfort her over the phone...? Would she even call me?
Even the thought of her being a teenager gives me the heeby-jeebies.

But do you see how all of these worries would make a person want to run away? When I say run away I don't mean packing my bags and going to Europe... I mean forgetting everything and moving on.
If I still have the memories... It's like I never left... And I wouldn't be gone long enough to recover.

I guess I'm just scared that everything will fall apart because that's what I'm used to.
I'm used to be happy for a moment in time and then watching everything crumble to peieces.
(I mean... I'm not depressed or trying to whine or anything.... I'm just thinking via internet. And I'm perfectly content. I don't want to die. I just want to know what it would feel like to forget everything for a few days and be a totally new person... Just for a little bit.)

I mean... I had a decent relationship with my brother until my step dad became my step dad. We used to be buddies.
I tackled a bully and punched him in the face the minute he messed with my little brother.
I had a dad, I remember being happy breifly... Until I was forced to wake up and realize he was a jerk.
I was happy in seventh grade until I wanted to die.

.... It's funny what I can remember about my time in Middle school. The first time I really had a conversation with Kim (my other half) was on the floor of the girls bathroom at middle school graduation in tears.
Do you remember Kimmy?

I watched Girl, Interupted for the first time and something they talked about a lot was being free.... Even though they were all inside an insane asylum... When ever they left the place they felt more trapped than they did inside because they weren't cured... They weren't better. They were still pretending.. Even when they were out in the 'real' world.
So here I am... In the real world and I still feel like I am pretending.

I have an apartment. I have a boyfriend who wants to marry me. I'm getting an education. I have a job. I have new friends and old friends. I have family that supports me.
They're all real... Tangible things... And yet... I feel like I am still pretending.
Still sitting in my bedroom and whining about how I didn't make it in the musical or how boys don't like me.

I don't know.
With that feeling floating around your head. Plus all your flaws. All your fears... All your mis-steps in life (that you are supposed to learn from butthey haunt you forever)... All the people you have hurt.
Isn't it comforting to think about waking up somewhere else with no memory of your life?
Wouldn't it be comforting.... Even for a moment... To feel the pure emptiness in your mind?

Running away....

When I was little I remembered Dakota, my brother, packed his bags and left the house. He told my mom he was running away but she didn't panic. She knew he would be back.
I think that's how I would respond if I woke up without any memory. Without all those phobias and stuff.
I would sit there and think. Don't worry. It'll come back.

I think the only thing that I would be mad at myself for running away is missing out on the lives of the people around me... My sisters and brother mostly. It scares me but I can't wait until they are all adults.
People say that your happiest time is when you're a child but I can't wait until my sisters go to prom... And I can't wait until my brother meets the girl of his dreams.
It makes my throat close up... And tears fill my eyes.
I'm so excited.
The other thing is forgetting the memories that make me smile. I mean they're all pointless but they make me smile.

Choking when my friend Jenny told me she was dating this jerk Patrick.

Sitting with my brother, riddled with guilt after making out with his best friend in a semi-drunk state a few days before... Refusing to tell him and when he finally got it out of me he replied "I know... It's okay"... He was so smart and grown up... I couldn't believe it. I admire him.

All of my awful birthday parties that will live in infamy.

Meeting Kim in the Bathroom.

My crush on Cruise in kindergarten.

The boy in my neighborhood who gave me a ring.

Walking around New York City by myself.

Dancing at the talent show as Sarah and the Gang.

The births of my little sisters.

I've been talking too much. And I know I've rambled several times in here. Per usual.
But I have just been thinking about this a lot recently.
Forgetting everything and seeing what my life would be like if I forgot everything and started over.
Would I have the same amount of phobias? Would I meet another boy? Would I have a family? Would I be happy? Would I be as fucked up? Would I be able to leave someone I love and not worry that they will forget all about me?
Would I miss the life I couldn't remember?

I don't know.

I was just thinking out loud.
I guess give me your take on all of this. Would you like to runaway?

I hope you all enjoyed this feild trip into Berlyn's mind. See you all in two weeks.

My name is Berlyn Lee and when I was little I packed up my bags and ran away... But I came back.
- Berlyn


  1. Berlyn, my other half, I love you.
    I would run away with you...

    And I definitely do remember that time in the bathroom where we first talked. I believe you were in or near a bathroom stall surrounded by a few friends and I was leaning up against the wall. I heard you crying and I thought to myself "I'm not the only one who runs into the bathroom when I'm upset to get away from the rest of them..." as I slid down the wall and started crying on the floor myself. We asked each other if we were okay and we both lied and said we were fine. I wish we had just talked about it and been there for each other... To know we weren't alone.

    I completely know how you feel about wanting to run away but having to deal with all the other things that hold you back (or, rather, keep you in place).

    I remember packing a bag in fifth grade, walking to the bottom of my driveway, realizing I had nowhere to run away to, and going back up my driveway an into my house.

    It's like that saying, "You can run, but you can't hide." It's true. We can try running away from our problems and memories all we want, but they will catch up to us. There's no point.

    Please call or skype me as soon as you have time, Berlyn... I have so much I have to say to you.

    I love and miss you so so SO much, dear.

  2. I love and miss you too Kim :) I'll talk to you soon :)