Friday, June 25, 2010

Boy: "Will you go out with me?" Girl: "I like Girls..."

When I was five I was married to a boy named Tony.

He had gorgerous, long blonde hair and would hold a baby doll if I thrust it into his hands... He was the man of my dreams- At the easily pleasing age of five.
His mother and mine were good friends and they lived just down the street from us... So Tony and I would get together everyday and play "house" and drink juice from boxes and all that five-year-old junk.
We were in love.
And then I started kindergarten and saw Cruz....
He was a striking hispanic six-year-old and, for our young age, a badass. I would gush to my mother about him... And I was in love.

But unlike Tony... Cruz never noticed me.

But I got over that with no more than a small shrug of the shoulders. It was easy to move on back then.

At one point I even knew a little boy that lived down the street from me who gave me a ring because he had a crush on me... I still have it (is that weird?).
But today... If a boy I didn't really know gave me a ring I would worry about it for weeks! I would wonder if I should give it back to him or keep it or hide it... I mean what do you do in that situation? But back then it was easy... I saw this small trinket and I was infatuated with it... There were no questions... I was keeping that ring NO MATTER WHAT... It was mine. He had given it to me. My mom could, officially, not do a thing about it because it was a gift.

But none of those experiences match the one I had in first grade. I got married to a boy I met in my first grade class.
The proposal went a bit like this:

Boy: "Will you marry me?"
Me: "Um... Okay!"

Then we held hands for a week.

I still talk to him. But when we stopped holding hands I thought nothing of it.
Again, it was easy to move on.
Our "divorce" was NOTHING in comparrison to divorces adults go through. And I am generally unhappy that all divorces can't be like the one I had in first grade... Easy for both parties.

So today, friends,
(Can I call you friends? Or is that stepping over the bounds... Can I call you my friend if I push you on the swing for five minutes? No? Okay...)
I have decided to talk to you about dating and how incredibly difficult it is...

First off... Meeting people.

Everyone is different. No two people are alike (We are like snowflakes...) and that is what makes it so hard to find a mate.
For example.
Jimmy likes Sally... And Sally likes Jimmy... But Jimmy was saved by Jesus Christ and Sally (frankly) worships the devil.
So these two love birds can either deal with this or realize that they were not made for each other...
Ways to deal with this:
Jimmy drops his faith and accepts Sally
Sally drops her faith and accepts Jimmy's
They move on.

But moving on is harder than it sounds.

What if that person was "The one?"
What if I am the one at fault?
Should I just accept them?

So I guess I am saying... Finding the right person is the hardest thing to do in this day and age... There are so many different people and so many different qualities.
When you do, finally, meet "the one" they will have, at least, one quality you do not like. I promise. But the question is... Can you still love that person when you find that one thing out?
Hopefully... But can you be 100% sure?
Nah, you can't be until you reach that moment.
(Then hopefully you'll think back to this blog.)

Next, Dating.

Once you find someone you generally like you have to actually approach them and ask them out.
This could go a few different ways...

Movie Reality:

Boy: "Will you... Go out with me?"
Girl: "I was wondering how long it would take you to ask me out!"
[They then proceed to Makeout]

Reality Show Reality:

Boy: "Will you like... Go out with me?"
Girl: "Well... Like sure!"
[They then proceed to makeout and stumble up the stairs.]


Boy: "Will you go out with me?"
Girl: "No."


Boy: "Will you go out with me?"
Girl: "Yes."


Boy: "Will you go out with me?"
Girl: "I like girls..."

Sooooooooooooooo this is a very hard process.

For the most part this is delayed because one party is unsure of the circumstance. And I know you may hate me... But go for it.
If they say no.... I know it will be hard but... At least you didn't spend "forever" wondering: What if...?
And other person... Maybe once, say yes to someone you wouldn't really expect liking. Try it. That person could be the person of your dreams and you just don't know it.

Being in a Relationship.

Seriously... Girls and guys that like to makeout (or "eat face" as I call it) in front of your friends... YOU HAVE NO SOUL.
Half of your friends probably do not have a significant other so you're rubbing it in their face.
They understand that you're in love.
And they are happy.
But they do not deserve that treatment so knock it the fuck off.
A kitten dies every time you do that.

Think about THAT next time you decide to munch on your boyfriend's tongue in the hallway.

Moving on...
Being in a relationship is super fun. But do not, under any circumstances, waste the cute moments.

Wait to say "I love you"
Wait to kiss
Wait to hit a new base.

Seriously... It will feel more special when you reach that moment if you wait and grow together.
Trust me, kay?

Third?... Sex.

Oh god... Why did I write that?
Sex is the thing when...
When two people love each other very much....
The man put his...
Into her...

Oh god I can't do this...

Breaking up...

Okay. So I have never gone through an awful thing like this.
But all I can say is...

Don't hold it all in.
Your friends are not evil succubusses (suckubus'? Succuubus? Succubai?... Ah fuck it...) that feed off gossip. The really do love you and want to help. So TALK TO THEM.
You don't need to suffer.

Also, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Another fish in the sea.
Another... You know.... "The one"....

So please... Don't hurt too long.
It hurts us to see you hurt so much.

Just remember... We love you.

And... Kittens didn't really die when you madeout with your boyfriend in the hall.
(Well... I don't know. They may... I've never taken a poll or anything... Just kidding... But really...)

Moving on...

I guess what this whole post was about was finding "the one" and how hard that is to do and maintain....
It isn't like the tea parties I had with Tony... Or the ring I was given....
Boy's can't be chosen as "perfect" just because they will play "house" with you...
Girl's can't just be chosen because they play four square with the boys.
It's harder now.
And it doesn't get much easier.

High School made it easy for all of us. Locking us in a building together and forcing us to pick from the mass. Real life will force us to pick from a much bigger mass... Which is harder.
But... You haven't known all the boys in the world since they quoted stupid movies in seventh grade...

So... Keep your head up...
You'll find him... Or her...

Or even someone better than "The one"

And you will love their flaws and watch them sleep and cry with them and hold them whenever you can.

Well... It's late... And Kim's delerious.
Good. Night.



  1. This made me happy... Well, except for the friends not being succubus' part because sometimes they are :P You should write an entire blog about gossip! Like how evil people are to Kim through shit like formspring! Eh? Eh?

  2. Oh yeah, and my first boyfriend's name was Preston and we were in Kindergarten. We were playing tag with my friend Kelley when I said "Preston's "it," and whoever he tags most he likes!" And he ran up to me and tagged me over and over and over.... It's still the cutest way I was ever asked out (Sorry Jason) :)

  3. Awwwwwww!

    I know sometimes friends can be succubusses but... The closes ones, for the most part, aren't... In my opinion at least.

    Oh! Btws you get an awesome high five :)

  4. They SHOULDN'T be succubus' at least :P

    I get a high five?!? Why? :P

  5. Cause you commented first :)