Do you feel that?

I haven't eaten today.

Why? You ask.

Well. Because last night I decided it would be good for me, socially, to go to a party with friends and drink.

I'm not about to tell you that drinking is bad, because it's not, I mean, it's bad for your liver but you won't like be struck by lightning for doing it, (What's a sin is saying "like" and "like drinking with like my new friends so I can be like cool. Like duh.") what I'm about to tell you is that drinking for me is bad.

I get stomach aches and feel like I'm going to throw up the next day. I PRAY for the days when I can wake up and ONLY have a headache and sensitivity to light.

Moving on...

On one hand it's a good thing I get them, it encourages me not to drink as much as my new college friends, but on the other hand it leads to this not eating situation.

I'm not going to blame this whole thing on booze. What I will blame it on is the two things that took up most my day.

Thing one:

I got dressed and walked around CSUN with this kid a

nd a girl with a camera for about an hour and a half. Tried to reach oranges I could never reach. And tried to get squirrels to like me even though I had no food. Failure. Then we went to his friend's apartment where I got to pet a bunny and look at art and then I said a few things and... He killed me.

Thing two:

I left the apartment and went to my apartment to grab a few things, wipe the blood off of myself and change. Then I went to one apartment to meet up with everyone, then to another apartment where we wrapped Axl up like a mummy a

nd turned off the lights. When the lights were turned off I read lines to my partner in crime Ryan and also made noises with my feet while holding a light under my optimus prime t-shirt and turning the lights on and off. After that I went back up to the first apartment, helped Ryan figure some computer stuff out and then I came down here to write this.

Now you're probably wondering:

"Wait.... He killed you? Did you say wipe blood off of your body? Optimus prime... What?"

Well, friends, this is my future career in the works.

This, is why I haven't eaten today and why I probably will spend many days for the rest of my career not eating for days at a time. This will probably not be the first time I will sit in front of my computer late on a saturday night feeling like smegal from Lord of the Rings (The cup of noodles in my purse is definitly begining to look like an all powerful ring).

To be more up front: Thing one and thing two were two different shoots I did today.

Thing one was a movie written and directed by this sophomore I know through a few friends. His movie is more real. He asked me to be the girl in it. And in the movie he falls in love with me and kills me.

Thing two was the movie that I wrote and am currently co-directing with my friend Ryan. He, so far has been doing the acting direction and camera while I have been doing staging direction, line reading, noise making, and problem solving. Basically my job is to make his job easier. Other wise he would explode... I mean, who wouldn't in his situation?

Oh, and our script is a comedy about a girl who thinks her boyfriend was killed but really she's dumb and her boyfriend ran off with another girl.

Oh! And I wore a slutty outfit for the first half of it.

(That's where I made the joke to Ryan, as co-director: Next time we work on anything together I should just wear slutty outfits to every shoot.)

Both of these are being made for the Halloween Competition at my school.

And let me tell you... It's stressful but it's worth it.

Sitting in front of my laptop today, I realized I'm not made I've only eaten candy and three saltines today... I'm happy that I already have this feeling four weeks into film school. THIS feeling is going to stick with me for the rest of my career, THIS starvation, THIS exaustion, and THIS excitement with every completed shot.

Yes. THIS is my life as an aspiring screenwriter/director. And though some of you may be reading this thinking: I'm so glad I am studying to be this or that... AS LONG AS IT'S NOT WHAT SHE'S DOING!

... I think I've fallen in love.

I mean, the production for my film isn't even over and I can't wait to work on another independent piece.

Can't wait to write another script and have the director go (like Ryan did) "I love it!"

It's all very exciting.

So, friends, I just wanted to talk about that today.

Most of you readers are in college and I was wondering if you have gotten this feeling yet. If you have walked out of class and been like. THIS. THIS is what it will feel like to be....

Because sitting here in the zone... Starving and trying to keep my eyes open... I have found that feeling and excitement. I have gotten hooked.

Wether that's a good or a bad thing I don't know....

I'm sure that I will have many nights like this, many nights where I want to kill the actors, many nights where my ass and boobs hanging out of my clothes is the least of my worries, many nights where I end up trying to type this blog with shaking hands and a paraniod mind (I pretty sure my eyes look EXACTLY like those of a ferral hog).

But I'm also sure that I will have many night where I jump in the air after a cut because of it's perfections, many nights where I will leave with that feeling of acomplishment, many nights where I finish a shoot and have this urge to call my mother and tell her about everything, and I'm positivie I will have many nights where a twix bar will taste just like heaven and a cup of noodles is better than mall-asian food quality.

So, friends, tell me when you have this feeling. Call me up, even if you haven't eaten, haven't slept, haven't talked to a single person all day, or talked to too many all day.

Call me when you finished a huge task and now you feel like just going home.

Cause at some point you will realize... THIS is what she was talking about.

Because I'm right. Wanting to be a doctor is not taking anatomy classes and studying for classes. Wanting to be a doctor is when you've binged on coffee all night trying to figure out what is wrong with your hypothetical patient and then, just as you alarm for class goes off the next morning you put a finger in the air and yell out the diagnosis.

You know?

I mean. For me. Wanting to be a film maker was not sitting in classes like editing and principles of production and watching the special features on movies. Wanting to be a film maker was not eating all day because I had to help on two different shoots and somewhere in between running from place to place I ended up holding a flashlight under my shirt in a dark room banging my foot against the wall and quickly turning on the lights I realized even though I had slept till noon today... I was exausted but couldn't leave because I had made promises and have a deadline.

It was at that moment that I thought:

"This is film. This is what I want to do. This is what it will feel like to do this."

Well... I hope that made sense.

I'm going to go make my cup of noodles (Which I am pretty sure is glowing now...) and drink some lemonade while I watch Pleasantville. Because... There is nothing else I can do on the film tonight.

The actors have all gone out partying and the director is just as stressed as me.

-Berlyn