Saturday, December 11, 2010

It's time for another episode of paranoid thoughts with your host Beeeeeerrrlllyyynnn!

I have a new pet fish.

Her name is Beatrix (after Bellatrix Lestrange from the Harry Potter series) she is a small blue and red betta that Axl (my boyfriend) and I purchased from the Petco not far from our apartment.

At first we thought she was a boy (because she isn't brown and ugly like most female bettas), but the cashier informed us otherwise.

Beatrix is, currently, my only living mate (as Axl is working in Arizona). Though I have lived with this fish for a number of weeks I have yet to find out what her true intentions are.
Sure, she is adorable and small and seems to get excited when you approach her bowl... But is that really excitement, or is it rage?
You see. I have no idea if my betta is the most friendly betta in the world or the most dangerous one.

So many things could be misinterpretted.

Sure, she eats her food like she's just made a kill and she watches me (as she was moments ago) whenever I am near her bowl... But couldn't those be misrepresented as hunger (even though is well fed, friends... WELL FED) and admiration for her caring owner?
I'm not convinced.
I guess I will never know Beatrix's true intentions unless I throw a goldfish in there with her and wait to see her reaction.

Why am I discussing my fish you ask?

Because as I was watching her devour her food tonight like she had never been fed before in her life (I fed her this morning) I was thinking about how many different situations this relationship I have with my fish can be applied to.

I'm going to coin a name for this before someone else does... Lets see... The Paranoid Fish Owner Syndrome (PFOS, pronouced Pee-ffosss).

For example.

Most of the United States population vote for a president every four years. At first, we're confident. We watch them on the news, we read about them on the internet and we replace their security gaurds with robots to keep a closer eye on them (what, just me?) until finally we get to vote.
Basically we look at each president (fish) closely and decide.
Then, who ever wins goes to office and the population is left to stare at their new president (fish) and wonder if it really is the best president (fish) out of the choices.

Today, many people (not including me) stare at Obama and wonder, I expected so much more from this fish.
(You're probably wondering what I'm thinking... I've only had this fish for two years, he seems nice and could probably accomplish a lot more if someone stopped throwing other betta fish into the tank.)

What I am trying to get at is that PFOS can be applied to anything.

When you walk into a new place with a lot of people you don't immediatly choose who you will be hanging out with. You would look at all the options (people/fish) before finally making a desicsion (I know. I spell like a nine year old).
And even after the desiscion you are left to wonder if you made the right one.

She's watching me again. I'm fairly certain she knows I am talking about her.

What I'm trying to get at is that the human population is a rather catious and paranoid species. Why do we spend forever after a desiscion wondering if it was the right one. Why have I spent days wondering if my fish is simply cheerful and loveing or psycopathic and murderous? Why can't I simply believe the first option? She is cute, loveable and happy to see me... Why does my mind wander to: Maybe she secretly wishes she could tear me to shreds?

With people we do the same thing.
I have a large amount of friends (I'm not bragging, I'm just saying I'm better than you)(Just kidding.... Please love me...) but on a constant basis I find myself thinking about their motives.

Could her smile mean that she is happy with my idea or that she is pretending it was a good idea?

Humans, as a race, are paranoid that everything will fall apart based on their choices. Why is this? My theory is that since day one we have been taught to believe that if we make a choice and it falls apart, it's our fault.
Sure, our teachers, mothers, fathers, and books tell us that mistakes are what make us smarter. But we are still scared about making them.
When was the last time you made a descsion that went horribly wrong and didn't freak out for, what seemed like, an era?
I don't think I am the person to pose a solution to this problem, because I am one of the more paranoid people in the population (constantly checking to see if my fish is watching me and what not)... But I would like to think that some day, far from this one that it won't be that way.

Maybe, some day, I will be forced to purchase another betta, and instead of trying to find it's hidden motives I will choose the more pleasant point side.

However, for now I will probably remain the same. I will probably watch my fish eat her food every day of her short-betta-life wondering is she is imagining that they are little balls of my flesh.


On a side note. I have a couple unrelated things to say:

One: I Christmas-a-fyed the page. You're welcome.

Two: I started reading the Harry Potter Series :D. I finished the first book today and will be sharing with you my overall favorite quote from each book.
Sorcerer's Stone:
"What do you see when you look in the mirror?"
"I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks"
Harry stared.
"One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore, "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."

Three: I am going to begin advertising other blogs when I want to... So, if you have nothing else to do, drop by my friend Julie's blog here:

Four: I'm fairly certain I am going to be starting something on Youtube involving me somehow reading things I have written and vlogging. I have yet to figure it all out but I will inform you all on my next blog.

Five: I recently saw a movie called Casino Jack, Jack was played by good old Kevin Spacey and he ended each of his arguement with his name and "I work out everyday" which explains why I am ending this blog post like this:

My name is Berlyn Lee and I work out every day.

P.S. Thank you all for the support. I really love each and every one of you.


  1. Hey I love and miss you! Since when is Axl in Arizona!

  2. Since last week :/ He's working there for two months than moving back over here in Feburary.

  3. I very much enjoyed reading this.