Friday, August 6, 2010

Clearly I was raised by very creative wolves.

I have a theory.

I believe that if I was born in London, England (like my father) my life would have followed as such:

Upon my birth, the doctors and nurses would have been blinded by my beauty. My cries would be later called "the most beatiful noise I have ever heard" by none other than the queen. I would have been knighted fourteen hours after my birth (because that would have allowed me to clean myself up a bit) and then I would go home with my mother.
By the age of two I will have conquered the insturment known as the violen. I would have played before crowds of thousands. However, in a fit of boredom brought on by my (would have been) later exposed cocaine addiction, I would have quit the violen and started to play the ukulele and drums. By the age of six I will have fallen out of the public's eyes and into a rehab. I would have gotten out of rehab a few years later and started singing and acting lessons.
By nine I would have reached the top of the British music titles as well as starred in many successful movies where I was nominated or achieved awards.
By fourteen I would have fell back into drugs and a sex addiction.
By sixteen I would have gone through all the rehab I needed and would have written a book on my exploits.
When I turned eighteen I would have moved to America (by suggestion of my agent) where I would become one of the hottest girls in the movie business.
By nineteen or twenty I would have been knocked up with my first child and would have gotten married to the twenty years older than me director that enpregnanted me. Then my husband and I would settle down in England and eventually have four very attractive and successful children.
I would later die at the age of thirty-nine in an accidential small aircraft crash.
Just a few years after my death Ellen Page would star as me in the memior of my life.

And that is my theory.
I feel like my life would have been the most interesting and exciting life in history if I had an accent.
The sad part?
I truly believe this.

I have many theorys.
And this week.
I have decided to share them with all of you.

I have decided to do this because I am moving from the one home I have lived in my entire life and it is okay to commit social suicide when you do that.

Okay. Here goes.

My favorite theory I have, of course, is the one I have above. But I have others. Like... The alternative of being born in England would have been being born in Australia.

In my opinion.
I would have grown to be a thin, tanned girl who can not only kick a kangaroo's ass, but also get the guy and makeout on a surf board while in the tunnel of a wave.

Again, the accent.

However, not all of my theorys are about me and what I would have been.
I have theorys on many other subjects.

Before I go on I should warn you.
I do not get the typical angel and devil versions of myself on each of my shoulders. No, I get two versions of just plain old me who either get nervous with me or tell me that I am stupid.

For example:

If I think that someone I know likes me more than a friend I often develope a theory about it.

He likes me because he thinks I am so damn funny.... Because I am.....

Shoulder one (My right shoulder) would respond as such:

Oh my god..... You are totally right Berlyn! He does like you!! What should we do...? I mean we have a boyfriend. And we love our boyfriend... But now this. Oh no. Oh my. What should we do?! We should confront him! Shouldn't we?! Do it now!

The other Shoulder would respond:

Shut up Berlyn. You're being a dumbass.

So. Everyonce in a while in this blog I will share with you how my shoulders feel about my theorys.

Moving on.

I think that since I joined a community on youtube the people I watch know me and are good friends with me....
At least this is how I feel when I watch them.
Mostly because I want them to one day, stop, look at the computer and annouce their love for me.
I have a problem.

Another theory I have is that if I were to ever meet Chloe Moretz, Dakota Fanning, or Abigail Breslin I would automatically become their best friends.

1: They would just love all your writing and work Berlyn, they are so cool and great actresses.

2: Please shut up, you're embarrassing all the friends you do have. You're supposed to be an adult.

... I just want them to like me so bad.

I have a theory... Well it's more of a dream. That Quentin Tarantino and Christophor Nolan and all the other directors I love will think I am a badass.
Like I'll say two words and they will just be like... You. Are. Awesome.

Next up.
I have a theory that when Scooter (My dog) winks at me, he is trying to send me a message that I have to decode.
What this message is supposed to do is a mystery to me but I still believe there is one and he has just been waiting for three years for me to figure it out.
(He's three guys.... Not like he woke up one day and was like I NEED TO TELL BERLYN SOMETHING BUT HOW?!?!.... It's more of a... He was a secret agent with a temper who was killed and is trying to avenge (avengee, aevenge, avenege... Ah fuck it.) his death.).

I have a theory that after watching an action movie I automatically achieve the awesome to kick ass.

I have a theory that Hannah Montana is actually Miley Cyrus.... Oh... Wait...

I have a theory that Lady Gaga has a virus that has snaked it's way into the minds of many preformers and has made them stranger than they could have ever possibly been. Like... Their songs don't match up with their videos and they are just generally weird.
It's not a bad virus but. Seriously. Did you see Katy Perry's music video for California Girls? It's in candy land... What does that have to do with California at all?
Is it a metaphor?
California girls are yummy like candy....?
I just don't get how shooting whipped cream from your boobs represents the hottness of California girls.... Or how that would even defeat an army of gummy bears.
And this is exactly how I feel about Lady GAGA....
Why are you making a sandwhich when you are singing about not being able to talk on the phone cause you're in a club?

I used to... Well.... Still do... Have a theory that if I abandon the toys I'm most scared of they will return and kill me.

I believe that Heath Ledger is not dead. It has to be some sort of publicity for the next batman movie. It has to be.
(Hey, at least I don't walk around thinking Elvis is still alive.)

I have a theory that all the kids at Princeton are slightly insane.
I don't know what it is but all their theorys are like ten times stranger than mine.
Shayla told me once that a kid from Princeton wrote a paper on how if we mess with the characteristics of fetus' (Feti? Fetus's.... Wow... I'm so confused...) while they are in the womb soon the unaltered babies and the altered babies will split into two species and will no longer be able to mate.
... Yeah. Sounds pretty crazy to my theory on altering fetus' in the womb:

It could cure many illnesses and problems. Like down syndrome, for instance, could be whiped off the planet starting in the womb.

Not crazy at all.
Rather genius in fact.

I believe that the zodiac killer was not one person, but many copy-cats.

I have a theory that sex jokes are hidden in nearly everything now adays... Even the cartoons we loved back in the good old days.

I think I would have enjoyed the Jonas Brothers more if they never went through disney to achieve fame.

I have a theory that if I was not afraid of the dark I would be able to acomplish more. Like. Space exploration. Abandoned place exploration. Sleeping without hyperventillating first.
I also think that if I had never been afraid of the dark I would have never gotten as many phobias as I have now.

Following that theory. I think it is okay to have a lot of phobias as long as they don't ruin you friendships.

I have a theory that the ateroid belt was a planet once upon a time.

1: Well. It does have the same compound as Earth and stuff. Maybe people lived there once! Then it exploded!

2: Really guys? Really? Calm down, you don't even like space.

I have a theory that if I was a lesbian I would have already married Kim and done all I could to make her the happiest girl in the world.
... Cause she deserves it :)

I have a theory that in another life I listened to the insane gabbleings of many famous philosophers.
And I could spell.

I have a theory that I would have liked the lord of the flies much more if Simon hadn't been killed.
I also have a theory that Honors and AP language classes intentinally choose books that kill off important characters just so they can relate to religion, society, and the past (or actual events) which pissed off all students.
... I still have no idea what happened to Tom (which pisses me off everyday of my life).

And finally.
I have a theory that without all of my little theorys I would have never been me.
I mean think about it.
If I had been born in England I would have never sat down thought about all the possibilities in life. All the tiny little curiousities that hide in the alley ways of every person's mind. I would have never stopped walking around to open a box that was stacked in one of those alley ways to see some sort of evidence that could form an idea, a plan, and a life changing experience.
If I had been born in England I would have never met all the friends I have now. I would not have met Kim or any of my friends from my high school career.
I would have had friends. I mean, everybody has at least one friend.
But it wouldn't have been the same.
And without the theory of living an extravagent life because of an accent I would have never stopped to think:

Hey. What's being knighted going to feel like if I can't have my other half to be with me in all of my fun travels? Sure I will have a high honor but who will squeal excitedly with me? It just wouldn't be as fun as it would be with Kim.
And seriously what fun is it to come out of rehab with no friends waiting to pick you up cause you don't have a car (because it has been in the shop forever). No fun at all. What's even going to parties if I can't drag a friend along with me.
And I don't want to marry a man twenty years older than me. I love being with Axl now, and I know that I would feel that empty space at one point in my extravagent British life.

See? All these theorys may piss people off, start fights, enduse giggling, and set a flame to conversations but without them I would never notice just how good of a life I have. Just how special I am. Just how lucky I always have been.

I'm going to go eat breakfast now and watch the hour long special of Phineas and Ferb.

Peace :)
- Berlyn

P.S. Share a theory with us?


  1. I have a theory that I was born in like the 1920s or something and died in some tragic way and I am now in the present and only remember pieces of my past life.

    I have a theory that as long as I watch Rugrats and Hey Arnold I will stay young.

    I also have a theory that James Dean and Aquaman are the same person and that he isn't dead. He will someday find me and we will swim away into the sunset and have mermaids for kids......ok that one is far fetched, but it could happen right?!

    Lastly, I have a theory that this is the coolest blog every written ever in the history of forever!

  2. Haha those are great theories :)

    And thank you :)