Friday, May 28, 2010

Awkward Foods

Have you ever been eating a bananana (bannana? banananananana? Ah fuck it.) and realized that all eyes at your lunch table are on you?

You know, it's reached that awkward part of lunch when everyone has eaten their sandwhich and has now reached the healthy part of the lunch pale. The conversation has reached an end because Never-stop-talking Natalie, for once, has stopped talking. And now... You are the only interesting thing at the table because you have a penis-shaped-food in your mouth.

What should you do? Should you acknowledge this fact or pretend to be oblivious?
What if Complete-Ass
hole Arnold decides to make a joke and make you look like a loser?

Well. What follows is a list of awkward foods and some tips. I don't know if these tips will help but I hope they at least make you smile.

Awkward foods:

Hot Dogs.
Covered in an assortment of different colored condiments and only avalible in one familiar shape is an American favorite; the hot dog.
Close your eyes and take a bite... Just pray to whatever god or person you worship and hope that the ketchup doesn't decide to jump ship and hit your co-worker in the face.
Sure, phalic-foods can be funny. But how funny?

"Wow, you got there in there pretty far. You are a pro weiner-eater."

Oh no he didn't. Complete-Asshole Arnold has crossed a line! What can you do?! Do you just roll your eyes and move on as the whole table laughs? Or do you exact revenge?
Possible Revenge:
"I could never be as pro at it as you, buddy"
"Well, I learn from the very best Arnold."
"You see this bite mark? This is what I paid your normal whore to do to you next time."

Corn Dogs.

The only differences: They are covered in a bread-like substance an on a stick.
Similar to Hot Dogs.
The are mostly sold at the fair in order to cover up the smell they emit with the excitement and confusion that comes with fairs.

If Complete-Asshole Arnold made a similar remark... You could easily say all the phrases above, OR you could just finish the corn dog and then ever so gracefully stab Arnold in the jugular with the wooden stick left behind.


I metioned this food above in the description but it still deserves a place on the list... Right?
I mean no other food can taste SO good, be SO good for you, and be SO... Awkward.

My favorite teacher in my high school career once told the class a story... He was telling us why cameras were not allowed in the classroom. This was because when he began teaching kids would have their camera phones out all the time and he could not figure out why... And then he went on the internet and found a facebook with pictures of teachers eating banananas.
Who thought of this genius idea? I mean, how funny is that?
I mean, they must have woken up and been like...

"Banananas. Yes... This will get back at all those teachers who keep me up until three in the morning doing work. AND it's hilarious... HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

They should be crowned.
Or at least knighted.

Just shove your bananana down Complete-Asshole Arnold's throat if he tries to say a thing... Banananas are great.


It's a hot summer day.
You're too old to play in the sprinkler (and not seem retarded).
You're too poor to afford air conditioning.
And you're far too lazy to actually turn on the fan and actually SIT in front of it (that's asking too much.).
So, instead, you grab a popsicle and suck the cold and delightful flavor from it until you get to the stick.

If you were ever in a situation with Complete-Asshole Arnold and it's hot and you have a popsicle... Use the wooden stick and blind him.
But lets hope you never have to be in that situation with Arnold.
It's hot outside, you're sweating, and all you want to do is be naked (or unconcious)... Arnold should be no where near you.

Popsicles, regarless of their shape, are a great creation and a great object. They are perfect for shutting up the kids, a just before bed snake or for playful joking:

"Susan, stop it... You're turning me on a little."
"Yeah Susan, jesus, get a room."

Susan: "You guys are assholes..."

And you all move on and hope for a cold breeze.
Or for the fan to miraculously turn on.

Lolipops were actually the inspiration for this blog...

I went out to dinner with my family tonight and afterwards my mom's boyfriend and I each took three dum-dums from the jar. I took bananana-split, mango, and mystery flavor (which turned out to be cherry... Yay! It's a mystery that tastes like cough medicene.)...
When we got in the car my mom's boyfriend and I began pestering her to lick off of our lolipops.
This is not disgusting because of many reasons... 1) I came out of her womb 2) her boyfriend and her probaby have made out so they have swapped saliva and 3) it's a MANGO FLAVORED DUM-DUM. Come on.
This conversation went a little something like this:

"Mom! Lick it!"
"Yeah lick it!"
"Mom. You've made out with him before! Lick it!"
[Mom's boyfriend drops the dum-dum]
"What happened?" (mom)
"Well you wouldn't lick it so it went away!"

Amazing car ride.

As for Complete-Asshole Arnold... Shove the stick that holds the lolipop down his throat... The stick may not do much damage at first but later on...
I mean, I saw an episode of house once that consisted of a kid almost dying from a toothpick in his intestinal track... The lolipop stick could do the same eventually.

And finally.

Another American favorite.

These little suckers can last up to 25 years before succumbing to the normal food deaths. You know, mold and staleness. And this is only when they are out of their plastic packaging. If they are in ther plastic packaging they could last EVEN LONGER.
Containing every unhealthy ingrediant known to man (including pig fat) they are too damn good to simply walk past when in the shopping mall.

The only problems with these guys is they are phalic-shapped and when you eat them... White stuff can be found in the center.

Oh god. Complete-Asshole Arnold is going to have a hay day.

My best suggestion? Just roll your eyes and tell him that at least the white stuff in your twinkie isn't like the white stuff (depending on your gender) recently added to his drink. (If you are a girl you can always ask a friend that is a guy to ejaculate into someone's drink.. That is totally approprieate.).

Twinkies are a food that could one day solve world hunger or save you from starvation in the appocalypse. Love them, worship them, and be sure to poison Arnold's.

Well guys,
It. Is. Late.
Someday I may make another list... But for now:
These are awkward foods that could cause and awkward moment. If you ever find yourself in one of these situations make the best of it... Find a reaction that is comfortable for you.
Wether that is ignoring the assholes, using violence, or comebacks... Or even ejaculating in the asshole's beverage.

Have a nice lunch.


  1. HAHAHAHA I love you guys :) totally made me laugh so hard i almost peed my pants, (not really). :D Keep it up :)

  2. Love it!!! I am always eating penis-shaped foods and have no idea how to defend myself when I'm made fun of for it!

    Very awkward, Awkward Girl :)

  3. this is awesome!!!! brightened me up within sentences! :D Bookmarked! ^^

  4. I'm glad you guys liked it :)

    And thanks for following us, Kim and I are very excited :)