"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."

I just Google searched "how to be happy." The first and only page I opened gave "tips," but they were all common sense suggestions that just made me glare at the screen. Stay close to your family? Okay, yeah. Don't let yourself get too stressed? Oh sure, I'll just stop that. After reading it all and feeling just as irritated, I thought to myself, "What was I expecting?" After some pondering, I figured out what it was I was looking for: instant gratification - something to make me happy NOW.

Lately, I've grown tired of effort, tired of patience, tired of waiting. People always say, "It will get better; just give it some time." I'm a strong believer in that, but time seems to last forever when unhappiness takes over. This isn't to say that sadness is all I feel or that happiness isn't possible for me, but it's not rare for me to sit around and brainstorm ways to fix everything. I just never know what the proper solutions are.

I understand now what I never did while growing up. Drugs, random sex, binge drinking, fast driving, reckless behavior. I'm not saying I engage in these things, but I can see the appeal in them. They're giant flashy, blinking, neon signs that yell at you, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT WHAT YOU CAN BE DOING INSTEAD OF BEING BORED AND MISERABLE." They're temporary fixes that take you away from what you're really feeling; they steal the substance of it all for a few moments so you can just forget it all. They trick you into thinking you honestly just don't give a fuck as long as you feel something, anything, other than the sadness, the emptiness, the constant discontent emotions that seem to encompass your everyday life. How long can these things last, though? How long can you fool yourself into thinking you're just a "free spirit" instead of trying to mask what's really going on inside?

It seems easy enough to pick up the bottle when you're upset. It'll loosen you up a little bit and take you away from the demons inside your head. That doesn't make them go away, though. It doesn't solve anything. Speeding on the road isn't real progression; you might be going far distance wise, but you're not getting any closer to fixing any real problems. All the things I previously mentioned might help in the moment - might even seem worth it at the time, and like flying free is what you really want. And maybe it is. For some people, maybe those things are the key to their happiness. I just don't believe in my gut that that could be true. I think people can drink to have fun, but once the liquid fun and the pretty little pills become a familiar friend that seem to pop up "just to ease the pain" after a rough day, it's a substitute for a real solution. You can't fix a car with scotch tape, you know?

So what is the "real" solution? I honestly have no idea. I feel that it's real, though. Problems of any size can be fixed. Google searching can't be the saving grace, and neither can all the dark temptations. Time might be the answer, but happiness isn't going to arrive gift-wrapped on the doorstep. It has to be worked for. It's possible, and we all have potential to reach it. We might just have to try with everything we have, never letting go of hope. Effort, time, and patience will be worth it, but remember to have fun along the way.



-Kim

Teleportation.

So... Today should be interesting. My roommate Julie is doing her final project for Teen Films where her and I will be clicking through channels and showing up in random teen films. How do we do this? Green screen of course.

Unfortunatly, neither of us have showered and we're supposed to be in front of a greenscreen in about twenty minutes so I'll make this brief.

The idea is that we get sucked into teen films and kind of have our own experience in them. I think it's a cool idea. The only thing that sucks is the fact that it's all so rushed.

Anyways. We have two piles of movies that Julie and I are going to be placed in. Everything from The Breakfast Club to Scott Pilgrim. Julie and I have never acted before in front of a greenscreen... We haven't rehearsed... And Julie's barely ever worked with green screen... So this should be a pretty interesting project.

Two girls are bored out of their minds and decide to watch TV and acidentally use a magical remote. From there we hop from movie to movie in search of something cool. When we finally return Julie gives a speech about the importance of teen films and then we return to being bored. I know, it's a well-thought-out-concept. But it's mostly for fun and to avoid writing a paper.

I, on the other hand have finished all my homework assignments and only have tests awaiting me. You see, I've been spending this week, almost addictivly finishing my homework ASAP so I can have a chance to breath before I get on that plane on Saturday then 10th. Because, that's right, I'm coming home :) I'm pumped. I almost wish I had a remote to transport me there now. THIS IS WHY EVERY HOME SHOULD BE EQUIPPED WITH A TELEPORTATION DEVICE! Why doesn't anybody listen to me?

My brains a little all over the place at the moment because in a few minutes I need to jump in the shower and get ready super fast to be on screen and that sucks because I want to look good but I have a bad feeling. Then after shooting we're going to go to a movie (don't be afraid of the dark) and then come back here and hopefully finish up writing the first season of flat so that while I'm home I can show everyone the screenplays and get everyone excited... While Julie talks to producers and gets auditions all set up.

... I'm having second thoughts about this twelve episodes thing. I feel like it should be more like twenty-four or something. I don't know. What do you guys think?

Alright. I should stop writing now and get ready to jump in the shower. I feel like Julie's close to finishing.

Love you all, and to my friends in Washington... I should be home very very soon and I am so incrediblt excited to see all of you :)

Flat

I had a really good idea this morning, when I was half asleep in bed, about what I wanted to write this blog about... However, I forgot it and now I have no idea what I'm going to write... Especially because I may or may not be leaving in a few minutes to go to a movie... The real question is not "do I want to see the movie" but "do I want to be even more broke than I am now?"... Maybe.

And there's a person over so I really shouldn't be writing a blog... It's rude... Get with the program guys... What am I talking about?

I guess I might as well use this time to talk about something that I am excited about... You should be excited as well.

I am currently working on a web-series (called "Flat") with my roommate Julie about people living in an apartment based on real life. We have several characters I am super pumped about.

The show takes place in my apartment, of course because we're poor college kids, and the characters are all exaggerated but fun... In my opinion.

The main character is named Tie and he lives with his twin sister, Button, and friend Al but Al bails and Tie is forced to find more roommates. After a few mis-haps, the apartment gets filled with a bunch of people that just need a place to stay.

The reason I like the idea is because I think it's funny and I have a lot of fun writing it... It also gives me and Julie more things to put on our reels and it gives more oppertunities to people in our circle. Hopefully, everyone else thinks it's funny too.

I love all the characters and think they are exaggerated but relatable.

We're on episode three now and we're gearing up to actually do this. Which excites me... Because so many of my ideas float off into space having never be touched.

ANYWAYS! I have to go but I will be updating on this and be writing more film related blogs from here on out.

Hopefully Kimmy comes back soon so it will evenly be balanced out.

Love you all...

Berlyn.

I love you.

I had this dream the other night where it started snowing.

It was summer in california... During the day... Snowing.

I think I miss home far more than I should. I miss the winter. The snow. The cold. I miss using blankets.

When I moved into my new place with all my new roommates I was the only person with blankets and I, no joke, have like eight.

I know Kim's favorite season is the Summer but mine is definitly winter.

Summer is just hot and calls for swim suits and shorts. This is typically when people point out how white I am as if I had no idea. Not to mention wearing a swim suit calls for a lot of self confidence. Sometimes I have that... Other times not.

Also...

If you weren't aware of it, I dislike people sometimes... I'm a cynic. And in the summer, when I am not at home... Almost 90% of my friends in California aren't here... So it reminds me how many people I don't like. AND then I feel like a bitch...

So... I miss the winter time.

When all my friends are here and I see them for a while... And then I get on a plane and fly home to my family and my friends that are (pretty much) my family as well.

Then it might snow... And I get to wear lots of sweaters. And shiver. And wipe my runny nose.

I miss it.

I miss the goosebumps on my arms, scarves around my neck, mittens on my hands, and big coats covering me from the cold. I miss all of that. I miss home.

Don't get me wrong. I like being here in California. I like going after my dreams. I love writing (except I don't really write as much as I should or as much as other people). If I wasn't in California would I feel as close to what I want to do as I do now? Probably not. Would I be close to my family and be able to see them whenever I wanted? Yes. Yes I would.

But this is where I need to be. And this is what I want to do.

It's weird that a year ago I had no clue what I wanted to do. I juggled between animation, art, writing. I was so unsure of my future... All I knew was that I did not want to take my chances with a degree in english... That never seems to get anyone anywhere anymore.

So many anys.

I really want to be here. But I get home sick... You know? Everyone does.

... Unless you hate your home...

But I feel like I am missing everything. I wish I could be there to see my sibblings growing up... To hang out with my mom. My friends.

I miss Kim a lot. I used to see her everyday... Now I don't even really talk to her.

Awkward people talking on telephones is awkward.

SO.... Of course we don't really talk on the phone or at all really. And it sucks.

Kim, I love you. I miss you. I hope to see you very, very soon.

I guess I am feeling this way because of A) Home sickness, but also (B) because the vlogbrothers on YouTube just celebrated Esther day... It's based on this really cool girl that died of cancer at a very young age and asked the two brothers to say they love eachother once a year on her birthday. It's a nice thought. And very little these days do we express our love for other people. We're too busy... To cynical.

So... Readers, friends, family, winter.

I love you all. No matter who you are... I love you. And I hope to see you soon.

-Berlyn

How to survive MORTAL PERIL!

Well, I just finished the Harry Potter books this week, and I have been watching the movies in preparation for the big day... And with the big day being this upcoming Thursday, I see it fit that this blog is just a little themed with how to survive when everything goes to shit.

So this is How To Survive Mortal Peril 101

1. Get at least One or Two Really Great Friends that will never EVER leave your side. Ever.

The friends that will slap you across and scream "fuck no!" when you tell them that you have to go it alone. The friends that will declare your enemies theres and risk their lives to make sure you and the rest of civialization may survive.

These friends are more than "besties" they're like family.

Courageous and equiped with thier own special skills that help the team as a whole. Saving the world, or simply surviving the apacolypse would be impossible without them.

2. A Special Skill Set

What do I mean by a special skillset?

I mean, you're capable of doing something that other people aren't.

Whether that is weilding a sword and whip like mister Indiana Jones here or damaged nerve ends like Kick Ass or just the incredible ability to annoy the fuck out of anyone that comes your way. It's just something that you can do that others can't.

These abilities typically don't come out until the moment arises. When the floor splits in two and a hand of lava flies up to pull you into it's midst. Suddenly water can shoot out of your hands or you were more courageous than you could have ever imagined.

These abilities will help you out of a tight space, all of the type spaces.

And sometimes these skills can be as simple as a severe disregard for safe, measured planning. So, techinically these skills could be anything... Most of the time they tend to be a large amount of guts.

3. Weapons

Now, I'm not talking guns... Unless you're James Bond... I'm talking weapons of mass importance. Weapons that mean something.

Wands, swords, records (see sean of the dead), hammers, etc.

Something that was very hard to find and is the only thing that will help you at your time of need. Something irriplaceable. If only something that is found in the nick-of-time.

Every story has at least one of these. The thing that will help lead to the resolution. The thing will slice off your attacker's HEAD! Shazam.

4. Romance

Okay, so you don't NEED this... But it's always nice. It's one thing that will always keep your spirits up in the face of disaster. It's encouraging. It's the warm blanket in the stormy weather.

So even though it's not a vital object to the list it is still important. It is still something to keep in mind when the end is near. Shouldn't we all open at the close?

Stupid reference. I apologize.

5. A goal

This is the thing that, above all, will remind you why you fight... Why you continue on in the face of death. Why you keep going when you want to stop.

Freedom for your people. You're family's safety. The human race. Happiness. Love. Etc. Etc.

This is the thing that you dream about. The thing that you so desperatly want that you would die for it. And that is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in survival of Mortal Peril.... Something to fight for.

Well people, I have been working on this blog for hours and I think it is time to call it quits and actually start my day. I only hope that this list has helped you realize just how informative movies actually are and also prepared your for a future that could happen... You never know.

Good Luck.

-Berlyn

Panic attack at 7am...

Hello everyone!

I can't talk long today because I am moving out and... Unfortunatley.... I do not have internet at my new place until Monday... So... I'm doing this right before I head off to work. But... I'm very, very stressed out and wanted to give a few tips and pointers before I run off on not being stressed... Maybe that way the aching in my stomach will go away.

1. Take deep breaths.

I know, I know... Everyone says this... And most of us rarely do it. Most of the time when someone else tells me to do this I want to smack them over the head and hold my breath until I pass out... Just to show them... I guess... But I mean... When you think about it... They're on to something. Oxygen is what keeps your heart moving... Deep breaths are much more relaxing and successful than the small little ones we have when we are having a panic attack because the lady with the couch may not give us the couch and... Well... We already rented the truck to pick it up....

... Deep Breaths....

2. Drink water.

I don't have much to say on this... Again... Something I don't do alot... I like to blissfully ignore the fact that my body is 90% water. But... Whenever I get a massage from me madre she always says to drink water because when you are getting a massage and knots are released, toxins (I know... I can't spell) and you need to flush them out.

So just think of it as washing all the toxins out... At least for a little while.

Eat an apple as well... They're just good for you okay? Do it.

3. Think about the things you are excited about.

This is the one I actually do ALL the time.

I think to myself: I can't let today get to me... They still haven't made a flash superhero movie and I have to be alive for that.

Or: I can't kill my boss today... I still need money to go Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2.

Yes people. Maybe it's not as healthy as the other two ideas and it's more a bribe to your brain.... But it gets the job done.

Today I will probably keep repeating: See Kim, Harry Potter and September.

4. Believe in yourself.

I don't mean stick stickey notes telling yourself that your are brave and strong and pretty... Like those skinny girls in movies that think they are bad off... I'm talking for one moment, let all your insecurities melt away. You're better than them.

I believe in you.

Okay... I still have to take a shower and then head off the work and work from 9-5 at school and then put my room together until I pass out... All the while trying to find a replacement couch. Talk to you all in two saturdays.

-Berlyn

The time to say goodbye... is later.

Procrastination is a dirty little bitch. She never lets me do anything. Even this blog post has been put off for a while because she's so clingy and won't leave me alone... But procrastination and I, we became pretty good friends this past year. I mean, we tolerated each other. We understood each other, at least. But I'm having second thoughts.

Procrastination came into my life several years ago, but it wasn't really until this year that we became connected at the hip. Everywhere I went, procrastination was with me. Now that it's summer time, I hope we can take a break from each other and maybe not be so close next year... but I guess we'll see.

The last week of school was pretty ridiculous. I know it's all my fault because my real friends (not the stupid Procrastination that has this pathetic hold on me... leave me alone, love... I don't need you in my life!) told me to ditch Procrastination at LEAST for finals week. The week before my final paper for Ancient History was due Rakia told me "I don't want to see you out in the hall in the middle of the night upset about how much you have left to do. DO YOUR PAPER." You see, I would, but... I have a date with my poisoness love, PROCRASTINATION.

At least she tried. Maybe she should have hired a hitman.

I do manage to get all my work done though, at least eventually. I had to miss out on some fun the night before my Ancient History paper was due, which was a bummer. I was at Caroline's house with the girls for small groups, and we were all playing a fun game (Balderdash?) but I had to quit and leave early to finish my work... Procrastination called my name while I ignored her and went to the library.

She didn't like that very much...

See, I tried to ditch her the week before. She wouldn't get off my back, so I called upon Michelle B for a favor. I had her change my passwords for Facebook and MyYearbook for the week because my friendship with Procrastination was becoming quite the affair. I found myself sneaking around anyway, even if I was just slowly packing up my room or texting other girls... It was still a problem, but it wasn't quite as ridiculous.

Basically, I've realized my relationship with Procrastination is unhealthy. We either need to go to counseling or just separate completely. Next year, I'm ready for a fresh start. It's time to leave Procrastination behind me and just move on.

-Kimberly