Think I can jump from this building to the next without falling? WATCH ME.

So I've always known I'm not a very risky person. I'm just not. I've always been the overly cautious one who asks, "Are we allowed to do this?" And I've never really liked that about myself. I'm sure it's probably gotten me out of a lot of dangerous situations, but sometimes I wish I could be the adventurous one. The Tommy Pickles of the real world, you know?

So I dyed my hair pink. No, not all the way pink, but the bottom layer of my hair is pink and so is a highlight on the top. I understand that dying my hair is not exactly the same as taking a spontaneous road trip with the guy you just met at the grocery store at 2 am when you had just finished riding your motorcycle on the edge of a building. However, it was slightly impulsive and I didn't ask my mother first, so it's a good baby step.

Right?

It wasn't even something I thought about doing. Brēnna asked if I wanted to go to the store to get hair dye because she just wanted to DO SOMETHING. Do something? I want to do something. I want to dye my hair, too. Let's do it. Let's go catch a bus.

See, I always thought that if I were to dye my hair, it would be a more practical color like auburn. Not pink. Though pink was not the color I intended on in the first place... I bought purple hair dye. My hair was purple, too, until I took a shower. (Creepiest shower I have ever taken by the way... There was purple EVERYWHERE. It was dripping all down me and splattering on the curtain and the walls... I swear, it looked like Barney was getting murdered.) Then toward the end of the shower, it wasn't purple anymore. It was PINK.

I like it though, so my hair turning the wrong color isn't such a big deal. I walked with confidence the next day. I felt like a different person. Of course, random students walking past me would have no idea that my hair had not been pink before, but I knew. That's what mattered. I knew that I did something somewhat out of character, and even though it was minor it meant something to me.

I mean, when else am I going to have the opportunity to dye my hair some crazy color? Samber and I were talking about that because she was considering a purple streak in her hair. She said, "I mean, it's not like I'm going to be a 40-year-old mom and dye my hair purple. If not now, when?" EXACTLY. Now is the time to take risks. I'm not condoning stupid, reckless behavior (though the adrenaline rush is sure to make it worth it... for the time being).

Me being me, however, I over-analyzed the situation and turned it into one of those after-school specials. Even this one minuscule risks turned out the wrong way for me... My hair is not the color I intended it to be. So with every risk I take, something unplanned will happen. Maybe I'm just not meant for risks. Maybe a greater risk will have greater consequences. Oh goshhh, I'm boring!

Though some of that is definitely right, I cannot live my life like that. Yeah, there may be consequences to risks, but there are consequences to NOT taking risks as well. I don't want to live my life scared of what might happen if I step out of my comfort zone. I think that as long as there is a good balance and I'm still a little cautious and smart about taking risks, then that change is good.

So yeah, maybe I'm not the most spontaneous person ever. Maybe I'm not the one people go to when they want to go on an adventure. But I've got PINK HAIR, and dang it, you can't take that away from me. (Urg, that reminds me... My psychology professor was lecturing about Identity vs. Role Confusion and how teenagers go through a stage of finding out who they are. She was saying how adolescents do crazy things like dye their hair and pierce themselves, when the two girls sitting behind Ashley and me said "Hot pink." I just turned around and looked at them, then they did a little innocent gasp and giggled. Bitches. I like my hair. I don't like your voices, so shut up :) heh... Okay, I'm done being hostile.)

I remember during senior year of high school I had this deal with one of my best friends, Brianne, that we would do something new every day that was unusual for ourselves. One night after making this pact, Berlyn was with me. She was trying to help me think of something to do. I had NO IDEA what to do. So we got in her car and headed toward Lover's because I had never been there before. It was closed. We just drove around and tried to think of something out of my ordinary to do... because that's what we do. We think a lot. I think I'm getting used to the fact that I just think about everything far too long and sometimes miss my chance. Oh well. Thinking is good for college, right?

Right?

College, or at least this age, is the time where many people discover who they are and where their boundaries lie. I'm going to dye my hair, but I'm not going to shave my head. She's going to go to a party and drink a little, but she's not going to get drunk and drive her car home. He's going to ask an attractive lady out on a date, but he's not going to try to get into her pants. I mean, there is ALWAYS going to be opportunities for risk taking in life, but I feel as though they're more present at this age. Or at least the reckless or stupid ones are. Quitting your job when you're older because you're unhappy and then looking for a new job? That's a risk. It can backfire, but it can also be beneficial. You just have to figure out if the benefits outweigh the risks.

Love, your pink-haired friend,

Kimberly

Above: It might be hard to see because it's small, but here's the upper layer. There isn't much pink... Unless I put my hair up.

Below: Bottom layer.

I need to get off of this bus....

I'm willing to bet all the money in my accont (which isn't any) that all of you have gone on some sort of roadtrip at some point in your life. Whether it was with your family, or your friends, or your significant other across the country or just a few hours away. I am also willing to bet all of the money in my wallet (which isn't any) that none of you (or very few) have gone on a eight and a half hour road trip with about one hundred strangers....
Am I right? Am I right?

Last week I was suffering from a significant amount of panic attacks because I was to board a Greyhound bus and ride for eight and a half hours to Arizona.
What I was worried about was missing the bus... Or getting off the bus for a "break" and coming back to see it had gone. Thinking about this all still worries me...
Why was I riding this bus?
To visit my boyfriend, Axl, in Arizona.

Now. Having panic attacks is one thing. However, having nightmares is another.
I had a nightmare that I missed the bus and had to call Axl and tell him that I missed the bus and that I wasn't going to make it to Arizona.
He cried.

I woke up and lost my head.
And that was a week BEFORE I was supposed to get on the bus... So that left me to freak out for a whole week.

BUT.
Getting on the bus wasn't as bad as my mind wanted to convince me it was.
On Thursday the tenth... I left my aunts house for Hollywood. We got there and checked my bag and went over to Sharkey's mexican grill to wait.
I had tofu tacos... A strange idea, I know, but they were pretty damn good.

Anyways. After we ate, I got on the bus.
The first way was weird. Their were a bunch of gansta looking people who were loud and talkative... Like they had been friends for life.
But everyone switched buses in LA.

I had to go through a bag check and the guy telling us what terminal to go to told me I was beautiful... (Thank you sir).... And then I snuck onto the bus leaving at 2:45 instead of catching the bus I was supposed to at 4:30.... I know. I'm a rebel.

I took a seat towards the back of the bus and got comfortable.
The bus ride to Arizona wasn't very full. People sat around me but never next to me... This was because almost everyone had their own seats. This was nice. I could lay out and put my backpack next to me... All kinds of nice stuff. Except the bus stopped all the time.
My favorite stop?
I don't know the town but it was seriously after having been on the bus for ten minutes we stopped to pick up more people. I didn't get off the bus, cause I was scared, so I starred out the window at this house that sat not far from the station.

Not only did this house have a shed built out of random metal objects.... But it also had about twenty different sized manaquins nailed to the roof... They were dressed in clothes and doing at least one of the following activities: Driving a car, riding a bike, or FALLING OFF OF THE ROOF.
Yeah... Some were children, some were adults... I swear the two driving the car were gremlins.
It was so weird.
The guy sitting behind me kept trying to convince his sleeping wife that the house had people on the roof. She wasn't buying it.

"Honey. Baby. This house has people all over the roof. Their riding bikes and stuff."
"Stop it Frank"

Yeah. It was great. As we drove out of the parking lot I tried to catch a glimpse of anything telling me that this house was a museum of junk but no such luck... I wonder if it really is just someone's house.
After that, not much of the trip was very exciting. It got really dark on the bus and the drowsiness from my meds wore off... So I was left to watch cars pass on the freeway.
The weirdest things that happened on the way was we would pass cars, with their lights on, in the grassy ditches beside the freeway... I was wondering why they were sitting there. Were people having sex? Were people doing drug deals? Were people waiting for the money so they could return the annoying little girl in the back seat to her parents?
I guess I'll never know.
But this led me to think.... Would the greyhound bus stop if there was a murder happening on the side of the road? Would the driver pull over and try to help the person in trouble?
Just wondering.

Eventually I pulled out my computer and typed and when I finished typing I played Sims 3... My house caught fire.... Everyone lived but this was seriously the first time that had ever happened. I was appalled.
I had to stop playing shortly afterwards....

Then I was left to stare out into the dark gloom that is night.

We stopped for a dinner break in Blithe (great name...)... The bus driver told us to be careful walking across the street to KFC... What does that say about this place?
Anyways. I stayed on the bus forever. Afraid to get off. I finally did, telling myself to get a Nuerosleep (you know they have Nuero-Overhangovers now? crazy...) because I had slept so much on the bus I was unsure I'd be able to sleep once I got to Axl.
So I got off the bus and went into the gas station. They didn't have the drink so I got gum and a blue icee (cause that's always plan B (if they don't have this I'm gettin a blue icee)). I was standing in line and heard:

"Hey mister bus driver!"

It was this odd looking black dude. The man who replied was a short man with a pointed nose... I assumed he was our bus driver but he was another buses driver.
ANyways. They proceeded to get in an arguement about why the guy couldn't get a beer.

"What if you didn't know I consumed the beer?"
"Well I would smell it on your breath and I would have to ask you to get off of the bus"
"Well what if you couldn't tell. I hold my alcohol really well"
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE CAN'T JUST HOLD THEIR LIQUOR FOR SIX HOURS!"

The bus driver was in line (in front of me and two others) this whole time. The cashier just stood their like:

"Sir? You're total is...."
"Sir? You're all rung up?"
"Sir?"

Poor guy.

I got my stuff and got on the bus and then the rest of the way back wasn't a big deal.
Long. But not a big deal.

It was so cute though... I walked into the station and Axl turned around and like attacked me. It was so nice to see him. He really should be here with me... Because that was the original plan... But he has to be there. SO it just sucks. It's hard to be happy about much of anything when a big piece of your puzzle is missing.

I was there until sunday.
Then I had to get back on the bus. This way.... The bus was PACKED... They had to turn people away....

I sat next to a trucker who sat next to me because he wanted to sit beside two other truckers. Yeah... Fun...
I think I slept 90% of the way...

However... There was a drug addict on the bus.

Thirty minutes into the ride she started screaming at this guy to stop staring at her. We pulled over and the driver (who sounded like George Bush but looked like Cleavland Brown from Family Guy) tried to confront her but she barricaded herself in the bathroom.
She was okay the rest of the way. Everytime i went to the back of the bus to throw something away I could hear the other people talking about how insane she was.
At one point I was waiting to pee. And she was staring at me whispering..
"I don't care about this girl... I don't like this girl"
To herself.
I was like... I just want to pee can't this person hurry the hell up?!

She also smelt like piss.

This cute couple sat in the seats across from me and they would gossip about the girl. It was bad.

The only thing that was cool about the ride back was those windmills that collect energy from the wind. Serious... Miles and miles of these things.
It was beautiful... And strange at the same time.
My favorites were the ones that were broken and their pieces lay on the ground.. Unmoving...

My friend Tyler picked me up and when I got back I unpacked and watched the grammies with friends.
It was okay.

I really don't enjoy riding the bus...
It's gross and crunched for space and so many other things. But unfortunatly it's the only way to see Axl.... Which sucks.
It just goes to show that a lot of the time in life you have to suck it up and deal.
Otherwise you don't get want you want.

What about all of you? Have any of you had a crazy trip that you would like to share? How did you feel afterwards and why did you have to go on it in the first place?

- Berlyn

P.S. Sorry if this blog was all over the place.

P.P.S. The picture above came from an article titled "details on horrific Greyhound bus killings"... Yeah I don't know.

I think we should all live in Candyland today. Or be best friends with Tinkerbell.

Aww man, it's that time of the year again... You know what I mean. Do I even have to say it? Okay, for those of you who are hiding under a rock and are unaware... today is the anniversary of the day Richard Nixon planted all his sneaky little taping systems around the White House! Ha, nah (well, that is true... but not what I feel like writing about) it's Valentine's Day... Yay!

Little (and not so little) kids all over the place are gracefully shoving their faces with candy. Tastay. Man, choosing who got which mass-produced Valentine's Day card was such an ordeal for me when I was little. I'd cover my bedroom floor with all of them and have my little list of my classmates out and freak out over "Who gets what card?! I can't give the wrong one to the wrong person!!" Yeah... I mean, you couldn't give an overly friendly card to a boy or he would think you liked him. You didn't want to give all your best friends the same card, but how would you decide who gets the nicest one? It's like choosing who you like more. Yeah, I spent too much time with those cards. It was so much fun though.

Even when you were little there was a little bit of pressure on all the Valentine's Day hoopla... But now it's just ridiculous. Teenagers and college-aged young adults are freaking out weeks (or days, to the men out there) in advance about what they should do.

What would he like?

What should I get him to make him know how much I love him?

What would that gift SAY about me?

Is that too corny? Is it just corny enough?

Aww crap, Valentine's Day is tomorrow... Wal-Mart teddy bear, a rose and discount chocolate it is!

I remember silently freaking out in sophomore year of high school about what to get my boyfriend of the time. I finally asked my friend Steffi if she had any suggestions and somehow we ended up asking a boy in our class what he would like.

"Sex," is what he replied.

"Uhm, yeah no," I oh-so-cleverly responded. "Any other ideas?"

"I'd have to think about it..."

Come to think of it, I don't even remember what I ended up getting him... I just remember all the things I THOUGHT about getting him. Oh my. Haha. I think I made him a really terrible mixed CD or something. Probably... Yeah. Probably one full of my "Oh my goodness, you should pay attention to every single lyric in every single song on this CD so you can know exactly how I feel about you and us and me and you and then it'll be perfect and uhhhduhhhhhh" compilations...

I can't even imagine how it is for married couples. I mean, if you're married, I feel like holding the commitment to stay together is a great enough present for ANY day, isn't it? I mean, yeah, flowers are probably a decent idea, but why do so many people think there has to be some big romantic gesture involved? It all seems kind of unnecessary to me... but then again, I'm slightly cynical when it comes to the idea of "love" so what do I know?

I think maybe I'm one of those girls who thinks she hates Valentine's Day but would appreciate a cute little gift as long as it wasn't a regular run-of-the-mill presents... I'm not one for expectations. I don't like to have them and I don't want to be held tog them. Valentine's Day just seems like the biggest day for expectations... aside from your wedding anniversary (oh my goodness, that would be stressful).

This is my first single Valentine's Day in three years. I honestly don't really care, but it could be nice if I had a nice gentleman to romantically pour my NyQuil for me later tonight (oh yes, I'm sick. The area around my bed is a mess, I'm in my bathrobe, and I keep doing this really adorable coughing my organs out thing... Wouldn't you want to spend the day with me, baby?).

I don't like or dislike Valentine's Day. It's over tomorrow. If it lasted a week, then I'd probably hate it with a hot, fiery passion, but it doesn't.

For those of you who love Valentine's Day and are doing something fun today, go you! I hope you have a fantastic time. Maybe let me know what your plans are.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

HUGS AND KISSES

I LOVE YOU BBY GRRRLLL

-Kim

Being an adult.

It's funny how other people's lives, thoughts, opinions, and actions can affect (I'm pretty sure it's affect.... Not effect...) us.

For example.

I am an atheist.

Now, for some people that's whatever. About 30% of my friends are atheist, or pretty effing close to being ones.

However, for some people the thought is simply too much.

I have met many a people that I tell "I don't believe in God" and they hear: "Please, save me. I'm going to hell".... Don't get me wrong, not all of my god-believing friends feel they have to save me. It's just a few.

I had a conversation the other day with three of my newer friends (friends that go to my college). Let me describe to you how weird this group was:

There was, Me, the Atheist.

A Christian.

A Jew.

and A Gay Guy (he's religious, it's just kind of a struggle).

My Jewish friend and my Gay friend really could care less about what I believe in or don't believe in. But my Christian friend is a different story.

I think the one thing that bothered me the most (besides her saying that there was no possible way evolution started on it's own... AND what proof do we have that humans evolved from anything) was she kept repeating: "It's just easier for everyone to imagine that there is a higher power. Isn't that easier for you too."

She got pissed when I said no...

I'll be straight with you guys.

I don't believe in god. I don't believe in heaven and I don't believe in hell.

I don't believe there is "sin" I only believe that their are criminal acts and mistakes.

I'm fine without belief. I don't need it. I haven't since I was in eighth grade and wanted to die.

... We'll get into this suicide thing at another date.

The other thing she got angry at was the fact that I don't think their is a heaven. She was all mad and asked me if I'm scared of dying because I think there is nothing afterwards. I said yeah, death is scary. Even when I did believe in heaven I was scared of dying. No ammount of belief can take away MY fear of death. But I'm okay with that. I mean. I have other fears to worry about more than death. Like my fear of the future. Death and the future are the same in an essence. You don't know what will happen, how it will happen, or what it wiil be like. The future is more scary to me cause I can still fuck things up.

Last.... I believe that everything started with a mutation. I don't know how it started or why but I believe it didn't start with a god. A. Look at the similarities of every species. It's amazing (my friend would argue that it's so amazing it had to be created by a god....), B. The stars have so much in common with us. Go and look up gaseous pillars... They make stars. Let me say this again: THEY MAKE STARS. It's so cool. Read up. Stars have a lot of elements in common as humans and other living things do. I believe we are what Carl Sagan called "stary stuff" (Look that up too).

Don't get me wrong... I think faith is great. Hold on to faith as long as you possibly can. If that's your whole life... Swell! Good on you, mate. But, for some of us, losing faith is easy.

Again. I'll be straight with you guys.

It's easy to lose faith in everything when you hate your father, you watch your family break apart, when you want to die, when you are scared of so many things, and when you watch the news and see all this cray shit going on.

I'm going to move on soon. Don't worry.

I'll just repeat myself once more: I think faith is great. I have nothing against any religion. I just hate how much some religions hate other people.

Moving on.

What I started with at the begining was how someones actions can change the way we feel about them.

For me... If you share something you believe with me. Most of the time I will not suddenly change my thoughts on you.

For example:

Sally believes that homosexuality is a sin.

(Sally's fake...)

I wouldn't care. That's Sally's belief. Sure I might argue with her a few times. Tell her that if you love someone you should be able to love someone without being judged or hated. But for the most part I would be able to carry on my relationship with Sally if I really wanted to stay her friend.

It's the same with my Christian friend.

She has her beliefs. I have mine.

The only time I struggle with staying people's friends is when they wrong me, lie to me, or murdered someone.

If you came up to me and said:

"Berlyn, I killed my mother in cold blood."

I would respond:

"Friend, that's creepy and though I enjoy our friendship I will have to put an end to it."

And that's understandable.

Right? Would you stay friends with your friend if they murdered someone?

However, for some peop

le, you bring up one thing and they immediatly don't want to talk to you anymore. And this goes for everything.

In middle school and the start of high school, Everything that my friends did was a big deal.

"You smoked pot, oh my god!"

"You had sex! Oh my GOD!"

"You ran away from home! Oh my god!"

I mean everything. I will never forget all the phone calls I got where I answered and heard crying on the other line followed by:

"I don't know what to dooooooooooo!"

Those years it was hard not to change your opinions on friends. We were all young. We were all growing at different paces so yeah... It was hard to keep the same friendship with people after they had taken that huge step and I still hadn't. You know?

But nowadays it's different. We're adults. We're supposed to act like adults, at least for the most part.

I'll admit, sometimes I have the tendencies of a two year old and sometimes, when I'm tired, I'll act like a five year old, and other times when someone hurts my feelings my reaction will be similar to the reaction of a seven year old.

Sometimes I see a lot of my middle school self in what I am today. Other times I see my high school self.

But for the most part I find myself acting like someone I have never acted like before. The adult me.

Sure. She'll change as time goes on. But this me doesn't take shit from other people, gets her stuff done but has time for fun, and this me doesn't judge people as much as the me from all my other ages.

I think.

As time goes on. That this time will prove to be the best time of my life. College life. Not because of the partying and the fun.

But because of the people you meet and the growing you go through. I've never felt so adult in my life.

I only wish that other people could go through life. Meet people. Learn about these people. And continue to be friends with them. No matter their beliefs. No matter their fears or insecurities. No matte anything.

Just accept and move on.

So... Yeah :)

- Berlyn

P.S. I HATED Harry Potter Four. Hated it. But I did laugh at one thing... My favorite quote:

"Said Sirius Seriously"

P.P.S. I don't ever do this but I am going to reccomend a movie. It's called Grizzly Park it is probably one of the funniest shit movies I have seen in a long time and is totally worth it. Get it on netflix. Find it on the internet. Do something because it's funny and I want to be able to talk about it with all of you.

Oh the front cover it literally says: Eight Juveiniles. Six weeks in the forest. It's gonna be a bear.

So good. Do it.

Yum...

Every week I look forward to Thursday nights.

I hate Thursday classes (two-hour econ class... that I slept through today... I hit "end" instead of "snooze" on my alarm... whoops... and two-hour long geology lab is also awful... but I went to that... kay) but Thursday nights are AWESOME.

Why?

LATE NIGHT NACHOS.

And warm cookies, but those aren't as exciting to me.

Anyway. I don't really have anything I want to write about. I just wanted to let you know how happy I am that it is Thursday night, for I really enjoy nacho nights with Brēnna.

I hope you have something equally as exciting to look forward to.

-Kimber

Please don't cry over my list...

People deal with being upset in a multitude of ways. It's kind of mind-blowing, really, how different people handle the same types of situations extremely differently from each other. There's crying, retail therapy, yelling, punching walls, distracting yourself, exercising, starting projects... Anything you could POSSIBLY do could be the thing that cheers someone else up. Heck, maybe the light bulb was created because Edison was upset and needed to concentrate on something else to feel better. Probably not... but you never know.

Me? I make lists. I mean, that's definitely not the only thing I do. Sometimes I cry when I'm upset. Sometimes I pretend to be okay. Sometimes (a lot of the time, actually) I write in my journal. Sometimes I write letters to my friends. Sometimes I go for a walk. I do puzzles, play the Sims 3, sleep, make collages, and surround myself with people. These are many of the things I do when I'm upset... but it all depends on why I'm upset, how upset I am, and basically just what I feel like doing.

The only CONSISTENT thing I do every single time I'm upset is make at least one list of some sort. Now, I generally am a list-organizer anyway. You shouldn't assume I'm upset if I'm making a list, because that's probably not the case. But if I'm upset, you better bet I WILL make a

list.

So yesterday I wrote a list of things to do to make me and my friend not upset. (Sorry for all the vagueness... it's necessary. So deal.)

The list goes as follows:

"Things For Us To Do! (You pick.) (As Many As You Want!):

Plays Sims 3

bake! Cookies, cake?! cook soup!!

go to the park (swings)

shopping

coffee and tea

VENT.

"dance" to screamo

Christmas puzzle

make mood playlists and mixed CDs

paint nails

hug. a lot.

write inspirational notes to leave in public places

make fun of Flower

make Postsecret postcards

figure out what the weird red bump on my skin is

NO Facebook.

weheartit.com browsing

rent movies at Blockbuster

look at and come up with Porno names

come up with haircut ideas

brainstorm ideas [for my shoes]"

Okay, quick disclaimer: The list was not suggesting we look at porno movies, just that we look at the NAMES of porno movies... because they're really amusing. Also, Flower is my 16-year-old Yorkshire Terrier dog with no front teeth and really squinty eyes.

All of those things are possible ways to cheer yourself up. They may not work for you, but if you need any healthy ways of dealing with being upset for any reason, I believe they are worth a try.

I need to make this a short update (so I may throw in an extra blog post during the week... if that's okay with you, Berlyn... I know how much we like consistency... call me?!) because I need to actually start doing some of the things on this list.

I just want to make it clear to everybody that there is ALWAYS a way to deal with being upset - no matter how upset you are and no matter how much you feel like that feeling will go away. You'd be surprised what seemingly silly things can make you feel better, too, even if that relief is only temporary. I often find myself crying when I'm upset and feeling like that's all I can do. But it's not.

So I'm curious... how do you deal with being upset? Any suggestions for the rest of us? Let me know, and I will write again in a few days most likely.

-Kimberly

P.S. I didn't make the list in the photo... but it made me giggle.

Lets runaway together...

Have you ever wanted to runaway?

Have you ever felt so overloaded with thoughts, information, and pain that you just want to pack up and leav everything behind? Start anew?

For me this is a yes and no answer.

I don't like the idea of physically leaving... But I do like the idea of running away...

I like the idea of freely dropping all your worries, your cares, your upsets, your triumphs... Nothing is treated unfairly... Everything is dropped... Forgotten...

I love the idea of being free.

I think this feeling... Or this thought of running away was broght up by a few things that recently happened.

1) Axl told me he won't be coming home until May ( I wish I could run away)

2) I asked my friend Sarah to run away with me...

3) I watched Girl, interupted for the first time and the idea of being free and being trapped has been invading my mind every second since then.

Axl, my boyfriend, recently had to move to Arizona for work. He was only supposed to be there until Feb. now he's there until May. It drives me nuts you know?

It makes me think: God.. Wouldn't it be nice to run away and not have to worry about any of this?

The same goes for my fear of the future. My fear of abandonment and all my other phobias.

(I've told you that I have a shit ton of new phobias right? This probably roots from me watching Monk to fall asleep (Monk is a show about a detective who has a ton of phobias)... And also my paranoia... I'm not going to blame everything on Monk... And I think I have that one disease where you think you have other disease... Only I think I have other phobias....) .

When I think about the future I want to run away. Start over. Wake up with a blank slate and start over.

There was this one time where I was in Astronomy and we watched that video where it starts at a picnic and goes up and up and up into space until you can't even see Earth anymore.

I had a panic attack.

I can only imagine what will happen when people have to move to a new planet and I can't step foot on the space ship.

I would rather die. No joke.

The thought of this is frightening but working hard to get to my dream and then never reaching it is probably even more frightening. It makes me want to cry.

The thought of writing my whole life and never getting anything ever published. Never winning a prestigeous award....

The thought of waiting until I am out of school and have a career to have kids and then finding out that I can't have kids....

Working hard my whole life to make my mom proud and before I can ever accomplish everything I want to I wake up and she's not there...

Falling in love and growing old and finding out you hate what the other person has become...

Watching your sisters and brother make desicsions that they shouldn't but you have no power over what they decide to do...

I mean... What happens the day my seven year old sister is seventeen and is dumped by her first love?

Will I even be there for her or will I have to comfort her over the phone...? Would she even call me?

Even the thought of her being a teenager gives me the heeby-jeebies.

But do you see how all of these worries would make a person want to run away? When I say run away I don't mean packing my bags and going to Europe... I mean forgetting everything and moving on.

If I still have the memories... It's like I never left... And I wouldn't be gone long enough to recover.

I guess I'm just scared that everything will fall apart because that's what I'm used to.

I'm used to be happy for a moment in time and then watching everything crumble to peieces.

(I mean... I'm not depressed or trying to whine or anything.... I'm just thinking via internet. And I'm perfectly content. I don't want to die. I just want to know what it would feel like to forget everything for a few days and be a totally new person... Just for a little bit.)

I mean... I had a decent relationship with my brother until my step dad became my step dad. We used to be buddies.

I tackled a bully and punched him in the face the minute he messed with my little brother.

I had a dad, I remember being happy breifly... Until I was forced to wake up and realize he was a jerk.

I was happy in seventh grade until I wanted to die.

.... It's funny what I can remember about my time in Middle school. The first time I really had a conversation with Kim (my other half) was on the floor of the girls bathroom at middle school graduation in tears.

Do you remember Kimmy?

Anyways.

I watched Girl, Interupted for the first time and something they talked about a lot was being free.... Even though they were all inside an insane asylum... When ever they left the place they felt more trapped than they did inside because they weren't cured... They weren't better. They were still pretending.. Even when they were out in the 'real' world.

So here I am... In the real world and I still feel like I am pretending.

I have an apartment. I have a boyfriend who wants to marry me. I'm getting an education. I have a job. I have new friends and old friends. I have family that supports me.

They're all real... Tangible things... And yet... I feel like I am still pretending.

Still sitting in my bedroom and whining about how I didn't make it in the musical or how boys don't like me.

I don't know.

With that feeling floating around your head. Plus all your flaws. All your fears... All your mis-steps in life (that you are supposed to learn from butthey haunt you forever)... All the people you have hurt.

Isn't it comforting to think about waking up somewhere else with no memory of your life?

Wouldn't it be comforting.... Even for a moment... To feel the pure emptiness in your mind?

Running away....

When I was little I remembered Dakota, my brother, packed his bags and left the house. He told my mom he was running away but she didn't panic. She knew he would be back.

I think that's how I would respond if I woke up without any memory. Without all those phobias and stuff.

I would sit there and think. Don't worry. It'll come back.

I think the only thing that I would be mad at myself for running away is missing out on the lives of the people around me... My sisters and brother mostly. It scares me but I can't wait until they are all adults.

People say that your happiest time is when you're a child but I can't wait until my sisters go to prom... And I can't wait until my brother meets the girl of his dreams.

It makes my throat close up... And tears fill my eyes.

I'm so excited.

The other thing is forgetting the memories that make me smile. I mean they're all pointless but they make me smile.

Choking when my friend Jenny told me she was dating this jerk Patrick.

Sitting with my brother, riddled with guilt after making out with his best friend in a semi-drunk state a few days before... Refusing to tell him and when he finally got it out of me he replied "I know... It's okay"... He was so smart and grown up... I couldn't believe it. I admire him.

All of my awful birthday parties that will live in infamy.

Meeting Kim in the Bathroom.

My crush on Cruise in kindergarten.

The boy in my neighborhood who gave me a ring.

Walking around New York City by myself.

Dancing at the talent show as Sarah and the Gang.

The births of my little sisters.

I've been talking too much. And I know I've rambled several times in here. Per usual.

But I have just been thinking about this a lot recently.

Forgetting everything and seeing what my life would be like if I forgot everything and started over.

Would I have the same amount of phobias? Would I meet another boy? Would I have a family? Would I be happy? Would I be as fucked up? Would I be able to leave someone I love and not worry that they will forget all about me?

Would I miss the life I couldn't remember?

I don't know.

I was just thinking out loud.

I guess give me your take on all of this. Would you like to runaway?

I hope you all enjoyed this feild trip into Berlyn's mind. See you all in two weeks.

My name is Berlyn Lee and when I was little I packed up my bags and ran away... But I came back.

- Berlyn